mediatorinthemaking.com

This is it! The day the world has been waiting for! (Well, at least a few people in different parts of the world might have wondered occasionally when this day might come.) I’ve decided to reveal myself. I’ve considered how best to do this, and it seems like the best thing to do is just go ahead and post my resume. It gives you a pretty good idea of the path that’s brought me here. Further details can be revealed as it makes sense in the context of this blog.

Thank you all for reading, and I’m pleased to meet you!

During my recent and very fabulous vacation to Iceland (I highly recommend it), I had the opportunity to witness quite an exchange on a plane. Many people tend to not be at their best when traveling.

As we boarded the plane for our late evening flight, two men became a bit entangled. One was standing in the aisle, taking longer than some might like to get situated (we’ll call him Man #1). The other, having fully lost his patience, barked.

Man #1 (who I know to be generally mild mannered) chose to respond to Man#2 with matched annoyance. They went round a couple more times — at least six rows away from each other — before both were finally settled in their seats, and thankfully quiet.

What was gained or lost in this moment of conflict? Here are my observations:

1. The stress level of a number of passengers was at least momentarily increased.
2. Man #2 became increasingly heated with each response from Man #1, and so certainly nothing was solved with any of Man #1’s responses.
3. Had Man #1 not responded, the moment of conflict would have ended before it began.
4. Both men just wanted to get into their seats. Neither achieved this any more quickly or enjoyably through their spates.
5. Man #1 realized that Man #2 and a bunch of other people wanted to get to their seats, but thought that with a number of other people also in the aisle ahead it would make no difference if he rushed. Bottom line? He didn’t mean to be in the way.

My pearls of wisdom on this one …

• By assuming the worst of each other, both turned a perfectly harmless event into a harmful one.
• Giving back just what you get might not get you anywhere good, when you don’t like what you get.
• You never know who you’re talking to. Man #1 and Man #2 turned out to be staying in the same hotel in Iceland, making for more than one unnecessary awkward moment.

The following is a selective listing of Boston area mediation, conflict resolution and negotiation trainings and events for April and May 2008.

Find additional training listings at Mediation Works, Inc. (basic training or advanced) and the Harvard Program on Negotiation.

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April 9, 2008 2pm to 4pm
ADR Professions Colliding:
Addressing the Tension Between Mediation and Collaborative Practice
from Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation, Inc.
Presenters: Lynda J. Robbins, Esq., and Karen J. Levitt, Esq.

Location: Arnold Room, Wellesley Free Library, 530 Washington Street, Wellesley, MA

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April 13 - 16, 2008
International Ombudsman Association Annual Conference
3rd Annual Conference of IOA: “Making a Difference-The Ombudsman Impact”
The Boston Park Plaza Hotel, Boston, MA

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April 16, 2008 8:30 - 10am
(Continental Breakfast at 8am)
Dispute Resolution Forum
from Harvard Law School and the Program on Negotiation
Speaker: Rikk Larsen, mediator, trainer, conflict coach, Managing Partner at Howell Larsen Associates, founding partner of Elder Decisions

Location: John Chipman Gray Room, 2nd Floor, Pound Hall

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April 17, 2008 2pm - 5:30pm
Assessing and Addressing Power Imbalances:
Abusive Relationships and the Collaborative Process
from Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council
Presenter: Professor Margaret Drew, University of Cincinnati College of Law

Location: The Walker Center, 171 Grove Street, Newton, MA

Attendance is limited, so register early at Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council
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April 28, 2008 9am - 4pm
Managing Conflict in the Workplace
from Cape Mediation
$150.00($125 by 3/28)

Location: Willy’s World Wellness & Conference Center in North Eastham

“Workplace conflict is inevitable … Learn a proven problem-solving model
and practical skills to help deal with conflict between staff, management, and customers.”

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May 2-9, 2008
CDSC Basic Mediation Training
from Community Dispute Settlement Center

Location: CDSC, 60 Gore Street, East Cambridge, MA
Cost: $695 ($650 if registration recvd. by April 3)

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May 21, 2008 11:30am to 2pm
(Social Time 11:30am to 12pm)
Overcoming Impasse – Tools to Empower Parties to Reach Agreements
from Mediation Works, Inc.
Presenters: Chuck Doran and Josh Hoch

Intended Audience: MWI Court and Divorce Panel Members
“Participating in mediation can be difficult for parties. After time, impasse can seem too difficult to overcome. Join Chuck and Josh for some advanced mediation skill training as they share techniques and discuss strategies for empowering parties to be able to overcome impasse, stay focused, and reach agreement.”

I am enjoying reading my peer mediation student’s blog over at Better Than Misery.

The latest post, Newsflash: No money in mediation,  of course caught my attention.

I can relate to this:

I think it has to do with the general public learning what it means and why its beneficial. Lately I have been thinking about alternative kinds of manifestations of my conflict management degree, including online dispute resolution projects.

You might have read me wondering here if most careers are careers in conflict resolution, and if conflict is just too sexy for most people to care to resolve rather than fight to the win/lose bitter end.

It amazes me to read a mediation student in Israel writing thoughts and experiences so similar to my own in the U.S. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one exploring these questions right now.

When working for my undergrad, I felt like I was going at light-speed with the knowledge that I would reach the light at the end of the tunnel, my professional life would start and my work would pay off. Seems like sometimes we mediation students feel like we could just be spinning our wheels.

Partly because I’m not doing the professional work I expected with my undergrad,  I’m ok with not knowing where this mediation work will lead. I know I really enjoy it, I seem to have aptitude for it, I’m finding opportunities as I go, and I’m using these skills every day in both professional and personal settings.

Any other mediation students out there? Pros who’ve been there? What are your thoughts?

I had a great learning moment in my PON class last night.

We were role playing a fun case. After our joint session and one private session for each party, we started exploring what we were each seeing in our process. We looked at what we were struggling with, what had gone well.

Our student mediator shared that not being a judge, not being able to provide any legal advice or make any decisions about the case, he was uncertain where to go. As mediators, if we reveal this all to the parties, what would they think? What power would we have?

That’s when light bulbs blinked on over all of our heads. We could see it. The power of the mediator lies in the process.

It’s a different way of thinking. Most people are used to thinking about power over rather than power with people. It can take a very conscious effort to recognize, respect and constructively engage power with people.

When we do, we can facilitate a process that parties couldn’t or didn’t drive on their own. Which is what landed them in mediation. We can empower others to recognize their own and others’ needs, how to meet those needs, and how to find a mutually beneficial way out of their bind. (I realize many see empower as a very loaded word, and some are ambivalent to its use in the context of mediation. For now, it’s the best way I’ve found to communicate an idea about the power of the process.)

In that sense, mediators are very powerful. Depending on your point of view, perhaps even more powerful than the decision-makers to whom we’re used to deferring.

I love that the more I learn, the more I realize there is for me to learn. Case in point: having patience with people who don’t have the same training … and defining who I am in conflict.

It seems that the deeper I go into conflict management and resolution, something interesting is happening. Dealing with people either unaware of or unskilled with good approaches to difficult conversations … either it is now more difficult for me to employ good practices with them specifically, or am I now more aware of when I’m not doing so.

My impatience is especially strong in the face of rampant negativity. When attention and care are not given to providing constructive feedback, when complaints are rattled off so that it almost seems like a person is railing against me, when someone beats the same point over and again. I try to employ good active listening, move toward understanding. But I feel attacked. I feel my work is attacked. I want to defend, disagree. I want to bring us to an agreement … an agreement that agrees with me.

Iit seems that my someone else in these situations often can only be satisfied with an apology. Or better yet, a commendation for being so right and pointing out so rightly how wrong I am/it is/we are.

If my someone else seems not even interested in understanding, then what? What if when time is a major factor? Or in person communication is not possible? This is where one of my new favorite books comes into play. Difficult Conversations.

I’ve generally felt utterly stuck when I didn’t know what to do next in a difficult conversation. I’m now feeling like I’ve gotten my hands on some very good keys.

Perhaps people who tend to need to ‘hammer home’ their points over and again do so because they don’t feel heard in the conversation, or generally they don’t feel heard in life. If I know how to hold a constructive inner monologue, I can control my reactions better. I don’t have to take a difficult conversation so personally, or see negativity as attack.

It’s much harder than I expect, every time, to practice in real life authentic curiosity with someone displaying hostility or conveying biting negativity.

It’s more frustrating to watch a conversation go in a less than ideal way, now that I can see how it could go better … without always knowing how to get it there.

It’s all part of the journey for a newbee in this world. I’m loving it!

My old gym has been trying to bring me back. Almost weekly, they email me invitations to take advantage of their ‘fabulous’ offers exclusive to former members.

I get that they’re a business. They want success. As many members as possible, paying as much as possible.

They seem to think I will rejoin simply because they email me an invitation to do so. I see no consideration of the possibility that I have interests here too. They’ve not once asked me why I am no longer a member. So they have no idea how to bring me back - only that it is in their interest to have my dues.

Perhaps had they thoroughly reality tested their chosen options for meeting their obvious interest, they would have learned quite a lot. Here’s a quick sampling of how they compare to my new gym.

1. They offer more classes.
   But those classes are always overcrowded and often the only way to have a spot is to spend 30 minutes waiting in line.
2. They have very similar machines.
   But there is less variety and always a wait. We have to sign machines out and are kicked off by the next customer as soon as our time is up.
3. They offer towels. If you pay extra.
4. They charge twice as much for membership.

What lessons have I learned here that we can apply to mediation and principled negotiation?

• It’s not enough to identify your own interests, and options to meet them.
• To reach an agreement that satisfies you, you might have to consider the other party’s interests as well.
• If you don’t do so, agreement can still be reached. But it might not be your ideal. In this case, I went somewhere new once my membership was up at that old gym.

A retired judge in the DC area is helping grow the online dispute resolution world with Virtual courthouse.com.

What’s this, you say? Our Mediator-in-the-making is exploring situations in which conflicts are resolved without any face-to-face work? Yes, I am intrigued by the ODR world. But please note as I have that this method is not for everyone or every case.

“The ideal case for Virtual Courthouse has only two parties, involves a dispute over money (as opposed to other forms of relief) and is not emotionally charged, he said. Fender-bender lawsuits fit the bill; custody cases and nasty disputes between neighbors do not.”

That makes sense to me.

It also seems that parties need to have certain resources in order to choose this route. For instance, as noted below, one would need access to a scanner to upload images of necessary documents. Money is also more of a factor here than in small claims, as “Virtual Courthouse charges each party a filing fee of $50 and the arbitrator or mediator charges the parties $300 total.”

Another consideration … insurance companies (or their lawyers) often do not agree to online dispute resolution. But Virtual Courthouse’s founder does feel that the legal profession is warming up to ODR.
Enough of this talk of limitations. How does it work?

“A plaintiff starts the process by registering with Virtual Courthouse, which e-mails the defendant to see if he or she will agree to ODR. If so, the parties pick a neutral from Virtual Courthouse’s list … (then) each party types in a statement of the case and uploads scanned images of any necessary documents, such as doctor’s bills. The neutral then decides what the case is worth.”

Cases have taken anywhere from 15 minutes to 45 days to complete.

And lest you think I’m on the verge of abandoning my face-to-face is best platform, the article noted that about 1/4 of Virtual Courthouse cases end up in face-to-face mediation.

I recently spoke with someone who was experiencing ongoing conflict with colleagues.

Quite a lot of emailing, memo sending, and such types of communication were described. Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and mounting frustrations had come to define the relationships.

I listened. And then asked one question. “Have you tried speaking with them?”

A pause. And then, maybe with a little bit of wonder, “No, I haven’t tried that.”

No in-person conversations had happened between these folks. No relationship building, understanding seeking, principled negotiating to resolve conflicts before they came to define the relationship.

If you’ve gotten stuck in such relationships, I hope you’ll consider this simple suggestion. Spend more time and energy trying to understand and be understood than identifying how those other people are wrong or bad or not in right relationship with you.

It’s much harder to other that other person when you’re looking right at him or her. It’s much harder to build a relationship with, to have patience and understanding for that other person, if your relationship is all through email and memos: faceless but not voiceless things that can’t look you right in the eye.

We can approach our work from a place of partnership. We can consciously strive to recognize our shared missions. We can focus on the us, the interdependence, that is work. Especially in the standard office.

Now successfully having conversations that get us to this good place, especially with difficult people (or if you are a difficult person … we all can be sometimes), is not as simple as this post. But even trying and not exactly succeeding is better than stewing in stress.

I’m eager to have my next conversation with my frustrated friend and learn how things are going.

We can choose conflict. We can choose to try. We can choose to build partnerships. It’s always up to us.

Financial stress is one of the leading causes of conflict in relationships. And our conflicts at home do not stay just at home. They can drive us into new conflicts at work, which we bring home, and so on.

Especially in this troubled economy, good negotiation skills can help us manage stress before it spills out of our wallets and sparks conflict in the most important facets of our lives.

As I sit in the small claims courtroom and here the list of credit cases called, I can’t help but think that there has got to be a better way.

Moshe Cohen has written sound advice at WorkLifeBridge about Using negotiation skills to avoid foreclosure and other calamities.

… regard the situation as a collaborative negotiation whose goal is to solve the problem to best meet everyone’s interests and view the other party as your partner in making this happen.

Be clear about what you can and can’t do, and be conservative in any new commitments you make so you don’t have to have this same conversation with them over and over again. Try to use objective data to persuade the other party that your limits are real, and at the same time, be open to their concerns regarding your commitments. Pay close attention to what they have to say and make sure you understand them. Listen for clues as to what they need in order to keep working with you on renegotiating a deal that works for both of you.

(emphasis added)

Moshe also reminds us to realize that our financial institutions have a vested interest in our success, as they depend on us as much as we on them. This is akin to, though not quite equal to, heavy interdependence. In labor negotiations, this term means “they simply must find some way of getting along with one another.”* While I don’t think the credit companies have reached the point of seeing or accepting heavy interdependence with us regular individuals yet, I believe it might be close. This considering the new package agreed to by the major mortgage companies.

As reported by CreditBloggers and nearly experienced by yours truly, Bank of America is again looking to increase many customers’ rates — seemingly regardless of account status. With that news, it seems that far more of us than expect to might find ourselves in need of these skills.

Oh. And at least until all this blows over, try sticking with cash.

*quote is from Mediation–Its Forms and Functions, Lon L. Fuller, 44 Southern California Law Review 305, 1970-71