mediatorinthemaking.com

I am beginning to learn to appreciate the art of the option. Timing, framing, body language.

Parties hear everything we say through their own filters. They are constantly considering their position, their options, their goals, their BATMAs, and their mediators: can they trust us, can they feel comfortable with us, are we truly neutral and will we really help them get what is to them a fair deal?

We hear the parties in a joint session. We hear each party in private sessions. Perhaps next we hold an additional private session with party (a), during which we plan to share with them an option put forth by party (b).

And here enters the art. To hear any additional thoughts or ideas party (a) would like to share, without appearing as though we are just waiting to get in there and share the information we’ve got in our pockets. And to put forth party (b)’s option, with the right introduction, the right tone, without appearing to be partial to any option or either party. What an art!

I think I might have missed opportunities to help parties settle by being too eager to share an option put forth by one party. Without laying the proper framework, especially without giving proper attention to highlighting parties’ commonalities, one party might actually go back on the defensive at hearing the mediator put forth the other party’s option. Just the opposite of what we’re looking for when putting forth an option that can help parties begin to move toward middle ground.

I think I’m going to try and imagine putting forth parties’ options to each other much like planting a seed and coaxing it to grow. It takes patience, delicate care, genuine attention to provide what is needed. The process can’t be forced. But if it’s trusted, something great can happen.

This morning, on the treadmill, my wandering eyes found a very exciting flat panel TV showing in very exciting HD a very exciting courtroom drama. You know the kind, with two people airing their private lives before a judgmental judge (yes, I’m aware of the unfortunate but rather fitting language).

A few minutes later, I look up again to find a divorce courtroom drama and I recall an article I read recently saying something like that working with a mediator can cost 1/4 what it would to go to court. Don’t quote me on that as I’m very possibly misquoting. But it is easy to find literature touting the merits of mediation vs. court for a range of disputes, especially divorce.

As I wondered why anyone would choose to air their private lives before a snappy judge and the daytime TV watching world, I had an idea. Maybe conflict is just too exciting for us to avoid.

Can you imagine what would happen if Divorce Court was replaced with The Mediation Room? Would anyone watch two spouses learning to manage conflict and speak to each other constructively thanks to the leadership and facilitation of a mediator?

I recall being amazed to watch a party at (real live) small claims court mimic so deftly the stereotypical People’s Court plaintiff, complete with totally unrelated personal insults, I could’ve believed it was scripted.

Yes, I realize we could easily debate the actual reality of “reality” court TV shows. But I think it is more important that enough people watch these shows to have kept them on the air for possibly decades. Or keep about seven hours of such shows a day on network TV now. (Yes, seven hours at last check of Comcast listings.)

So how do we minimize the allure of the down and dirty conflict? How do we make constructive communication more exciting than petty insults and flailing unkindnesses?

Perhaps it’s the people who like to watch. The people who don’t come to mediation. Perhaps these people are our true clients.

It’s a big day for the Mediator In the Making! Yesterday, I had my first glimpse into small claims mediation. I can’t wait to go back.

I’ve got pages and pages of notes I’d love to share with you all. Instead of publishing my first ebook, I’ll let it all simmer and explore one thing at a time. (No need to thank me. I realize you might have lives away from my blog.)

Perceptions. A heavily weighted word, and quite rightly so.

It seems to me that each mediator is constantly performing an amazing balancing act. We have our own perceptions of the process, the parties, our performance, our co-mediators. Within each of those, we’re building perceptions of appearances, body language, eye contact, tone of voice, and of course the words we’re hearing. We’re gauging - and maybe hearing - our parties’ perceptions of us, the process, and our co-mediator. And we’re hearing and gauging that of our co-mediator.

Just steps away from perceptions, we will find assumptions. Sometimes baby steps. So then we balance ourselves on the cusp of allowing our perceptions to give way to assumptions, which then would have us leading rather than facilitating or following the parties.

My, my, my! We would all make great circus acts, wouldn’t we? Balancing atop that tight rope, music playing, crowd gasping, and any number of additional distractions.

It was exciting to get to practice the process of recognizing and utilizing my perceptions, acknowledging and setting aside any assumptions which I might give way to in weak moments when I allow myself to not be fully present. To acknowledge and brush off, rather than suppress, any assumptions which could then give way to judgments, and allow myself to proceed with a clear mind and neutral perspective.

There’s another amazing characteristic of perceptions in the mediation room. Others’ perceptions might surprise me, or even directly conflict with my own. Yet there they are. And so I must acknowledge and respond to them. Management and customer service conventional wisdom tell us something similar, and useful here. It doesn’t matter if the customer’s perception seems to be reality from where we sit, or fits with what we mean to have them think. Because it is there, we must acknowledge and respond to it. Allow them to know that they have been heard (notice I do not say “feel heard”). In the mediation room, I guess this could be described as incorporating perceptions into the process.

Of course these are all my very early perceptions of this process. They are my foundational building blocks and I can’t wait to get back in there to continue my learning!

Well, it’s over. The Colts lost to the Chargers. The Cowboys lost to the Giants. And I - along with most fans - was certain both games would turn out exactly the opposite.

Because I was sure the outcomes of these games had been written in the stars, and apparently I had a special line to those stars, I barely watched these two great games. I glanced up every now and then to see who had just inched past the other.

I didn’t really pay attention until the last five minutes of each game (that’s playclock minutes for you non-footballers out there. sorry, no time to explain.) And what exciting minutes! Two close games, two teams I assumed would win just, well, sort of folding in on themselves.

Where am I going with this? Really, there is a connection. I entered into the situation assuming I already knew the outcome. So I missed out.

If I enter into a conversation, a mediation, etc., assuming I know what will happen — or at least what I think I need to know — I miss out. I will either inadvertently control and lead the conversation. Or I will never get to learn what I could from this unique and knowledgeable person (everyone is themselves and so unique, and everyone is knowledgeable about something I’m not, yes?). Or I will not reach the resolution I could because I’m so busy driving towards my predetermined destination.

And that’s what I learned from the NFL playoffs this weekend.

Oh - also that the Pats are seriously the best team that has ever played the game, to date.

Thanks to James Stinson and his blog, Therapeutic Family Law, for citing this interesting article.

Los Angeles mediator Christine von Wrangel recently published an article entitled, “Mediation: A Lucrative Career or a Ticket to the Poor House?” Full text here.

I’d like to share a few of her words as a contrast to my recent post, The future’s so bright.

Why does the Superior Court pay every judge, secretary, clerk, and janitor, yet refuses to pay the mediators?

Mediation may be interesting, challenging, and meaningful for the individual, society and many professionals. Many mediators pride themselves in creating a more harmonious, peaceful society. Yet only few mediators have succeeded to establish a practice which allows them to not only spread harmony and piece but also earn a comfortable living.

An interesting and far less optimistic view than what we were recently given by U.S. News and World Report’s Best Careers article.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming … my first series, “On Listening.”

I am consistently and profoundly moved by the power of listening.

I used to sense a wave of anxiety come over me when encountering an angry person. Whether or not they were angry with me. Until my most recent chance to get it right.

I listened without communicating judgment. I asked open ended questions truly meant to learn more and convey curiosity, rather than to lead. I did my best to follow my conversation partner wherever he went.

I recall clearly the moment I realized that this angry person, who had inspired such knots of stress, was no longer angry. Anger had receded and in its place was what I might even describe as a sense of comfort. I had guided this person in transforming conflict into an opportunity for something positive to happen.

We spoke for quite a while, and I learned quite a lot that I would not have had I been focused solely on solving the problem as I had identified it. I allowed myself to approach this person’s conflict from a place of patience, respect, and comfortability with my abilities. And I allowed myself to accept not knowing everything, sort of allowing a large space within myself which could be filled with this person’s story — where previously I might have stored up my own assumptions.

I think we humans, perhaps we in the U.S., have severely undervalued the art of listening and the rare experience of being heard. Is it our U.S. culture? Is it human nature? Does it begin within the family?

Whatever it is, the moment when we become conscious of our power to listen is profound.

I’ll get back to my Mediation Musings On Listening soon. For now, I’d like to discuss something that’s fresh in my mind. Perhaps my hordes (alright, maybe trios) of readers will have some insights to share.

I had a funny conflict diffusion experience today. The scene: a meeting (yes, shocking, since I work in an office). The players: well, office people … including your mediator-in-the-making and one colleague I know to be an experienced and skilled mediator, and one office person becoming possibly frustrated.

Mediation ensues, in the hopes of transforming potential conflict into constructive conversation before conflict even occurs. Yay, mediators!

How do our super heroes do this? Why, listening, of course. But where would listening be without reflecting and reframing? A big thank you to Moshe Cohen and his listening triangle for giving me a mental picture for the wonderful game of questioning, listening, and reflecting back.

As soon as I heard my colleague employing this skill, I listened carefully. And I watched an interesting thing take place. It was a sort of endless feedback loop. A reframe refrain (a link for the non-musically inclined).

I jumped in. Each time I reflected and reframed, the person I was reflecting … reflected back to me. Not to correct me, but to agree that I had accurately echoed their sentiments.

We went round a few times, as had my colleague, until I feared we could do this endlessly and so summarized that we all seemed to be in agreement and were short on time so really should move on unless there were any objections.

So my questions to the mediation blogosphere are these. Have you ever found yourself inside a reflect, reframe refrain? How do we land there? How do we gracefully exit?

I occasionally find that a post I’ve started really should be teased out into multiple posts. So, from time to time, I’ll post miniseries on various topics. This first one will be a string on listening.

Recently, two people I supervise landed in a bit of a heated conflict. Each is very dedicated to and personally invested in our work, each is experienced in the pitfalls and rewards of human collaboration. One is in the role of supervisor while both are leaders with extensive leadership experience. Can you see where this is heading?

Both are very busy people who generally opt to communicate by email. Now you see it, yes?

One interpreted the other’s well intentioned email as negative and perhaps even patronizing. A round of email volleyball ensued, escalating with each message served up hot and cold.

You might have witnessed, or even participated in, such exercises. For the two or three people in the world who haven’t, I will enlighten.

Each person reads the other’s words and listens to their own interpretation. There is no opportunity for dialogue in the moment. Each person

stews in their frustration, typing and perhaps retyping their response as the steam builds. There is no eye contact, tone of voice or body language to aide in understanding or fostering empathy. Rather, each is left to decipher the other’s message through their own filters. A misunderstanding, which could quickly be identified and resolved in live communication, turns into a rift threatening the relationship and rather challenging to mend. After all, how often do any of us take the time to write back to someone, “I don’t think I quite understood what you just said. Could you elaborate?” And if we did, what would happen? Email lends itself less to open, meandering conversation and more to immediate, decisive response.

I watched this progress and waited for the proper moment to dive in to the fray. When it came, I stepped away from the keyboard and got on that

antiquated yet still rather useful tool, the te-le-phone.I prepared myself in advance of each call and will discuss my approach to these conversations in my next installment of Musings: On Listening.

For now, I’d like to focus on what I met with on each call: relief. Not at first, mind you. But eventually it was clear that each party felt relieved to actually hear from a real live person, patiently and actively listening to them. They each simply wanted to feel — no, not feel, be — heard and valued.

I hope that each person came out of this experience excited to continue our collaboration. I believe true collaboration means trust, positive assumptions, and an eagerness to make relationships work in order to achieve goals we can’t on our own — or, without that, a stronger focus on the work at hand than on our collaborators’ perceived shortcomings.

At any rate, I know that my stepping in to actively listen to each person preserved our relationships and ensured continued progress in the work we’re all invested in. And I know that I used just about every tool I had in my mediator’s tool box to acheive that result.

And now for the obligatory cliches, or lessons learned. I dusted these beauties off and found new life in them during this experience …

Most people are doing the best they can most of the time.
-I first heard this one from my 10th grade biology teacher. I have no idea to whom to credit it.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
-Habit 5 of the Seven Habits of Highlyg Effective People, Stephen Covey

Come back soon for more installments of my first Musings miniseries!

Lots happening in the Boston mediation community! Here’s a roundup of opportunities coming up this month and next.

And you can find nationwide listings here.
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Thursday, January 10, 2008 * 10 a.m. PST/ 1 p.m. EST
Is There Hidden Passive Income in Your Practice?
Stop Trading Time for $$$-Create Passive Income with Jan Marie Dore
ADR Practice Builder teleseminar

Sure, you can toil daily to make your hourly rate, but wouldn’t you rather make money with less effort? You can. Information products are a boon to mediators. You can educate your market about the benefits of mediation while creating a small income stream to support you.
Jan Marie Dore, founder of Femalepreneurs.com will share her insights on:

• Why information products are so valuable to service providers
• How to get over ‘I’m not an expert’ syndrome & really help people
• Finding the products you already created
• How to set prices that sell and more!

Tuition: $19 Members, $34 Non-Members before 12/31- $39 Jan 1
All registrants receive an audio recording as a bonus after the call.
Learn more and Register online.
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Tuesday, January 15, 2008 * 5:30 p.m. - 7:30 p.m.
NE-ACR 2008 New Year’s Resolution Event
Suffolk University Law School, 120 Tremont Street, Boston

Come celebrate the New Year and hear some of your colleagues perform an acoustic “unplugged” set of songs that will keep you warm all winter long! With special musical guests “The New Trolls” (Featuring Chuck Doran, Jack Esher and David Hoffman)

Fees: $25 for members, $30 for nonmembers, and $20 for students.

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January 24, 2008 * 9 am - 4 pm
Dealing With High Emotions in Mediation
Boston University Conference Center at Tyngsboro

In this interactive and experiential workshop, learn the essentials of dealing with activated and demonstrated emotions during mediation. Examine both the participants’ emotional reactions to the negotiation process and the mediator’s reactions. Discover how to handle situations based on the reactions you observe in others and what you feel. Understand the psychological underpinnings of both real and strategic emotional reactions.
Trainers: Moshe Cohen and Ericka B. Gray, OptionBridge
Registration Fee: $195 until January 14, 2008, $220 thereafter
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Tues, January 29, 2008 * 9:00 am – 3:00 pm
Conflict Resolution Skills Training for Eldercare Professionals & Nurses: Working with Families in Conflict
The Walker Center, 171 Grove Street, Newton, MA

Goals of the training are to help professionals:

• Facilitate multi-party decision-making
• Work with parties with strong emotions
• Build Conflict Resolution skills

Recommended for professionals who work with multiple family members making difficult decisions.

Elder Decisions
Register online
Cost: $195 six weeks prior to event; $225.00 thereafter (lunch included)
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February 6-7, 2008 * 9:00 – 5:00
Elder Mediation Training: An Advanced Training Program for Mediators
The Walker Center, 171 Grove Street, Newton, MA

Elder mediation helps seniors and their adult children resolve conflicts around issues such as living arrangements, caregiving, financial planning, inheritance/estate disputes, medical decisions, family communication, driving, and guardianship.
This program will familiarize mediators with the types of issues they may encounter when working with seniors and their families. It also will address some of the differences between elder mediation and other types of mediation. Topics include:

• Elder Mediation
• Challenges of Aging
• Legal Planning
• Multi-Party Role Play
• Marketing your Elder Mediation Practice

Elder Decisions
Register online
Cost: $595 Includes lunches, snacks, and course materials
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Monday, February 11, 2008 10 a.m. PST/ 1 p.m. EST
Multi-disciplinary Practice Benefits Parties and Practitioners
Day in the Life: Attorney/Therapist Mediation Team
ADR Practice Builder telesiminar

Any mediator knows that there are times when two heads are better than one, and you really wish one head was a therapist. As practitioners we know how helpful having another set of eyes and ears can be but how to we make that work in our practices? How do we convince clients to incur the expense?
Diana and Tara, partners in www. Peace-Talks.com will share their knowledge and experiences working as an attorney/therapist team resolving divorce and family matters. We’ll talk with this veteran team about:

• How they got their start
• How to avoid pitfalls and build a robust practice
• What to do or say to get past client resistance

Diana Mercer, Esq. and Tara Fass, LMFT
Tuition: $19 Members, Non-Members $34 before 12/31 $39 Jan. 1
All registrants receive an audio recording of the call as a bonus after the call.
Register online
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February 12, 2008 * 5:00 PM to 8:00 PM
MWI Mediator Social Gathering
McFadden’s - 148 State Street, Boston
Intended Audience: MWI Court and Divorce Panel Members

Roundtable Description: Join MWI staff, mediators, and trainers for a social and informal evening of mingling and conversation at McFadden’s Bar in Boston. While enjoying a discounted cash bar, make new friends and share mediation stories. Lite snacks will be served. Stop by for a short time or stay for all three hours. Guests are welcome. McFadden’s is located behind MWI at 148 State Street. The back room will be reserved for MWI.
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Stay tuned for anther mediation trainings and events roundup for March & April.

Stop. Where are you now?

During a Facilitative Leadership course, whenever any of us students suddenly appeared lost while practicing our new skills for leading productive conversations and building consensus, our coach would say these very helpful words. Immediately we were centered. We then could explore our actions, our purpose and our goals, and jump back in to the situation with a new and more productive approach.

I’ve found these words to be incredibly useful in conflict and potential conflict situations.

I quietly say these words to myself. When I find myself in a conversation which could become a conflict; when mediating, counseling or coaching parties in conflict, I can use these words to find my center. Examine with care my actions, purpose and goals, and jump back in … in control of myself and able to guide the situation productively.

Whether I find myself getting heated or need to ensure that I remain empathic and patient in the face of another’s building tension, this twist on the old ‘counting to ten.’

Try it yourself and see how many times you can turn a potential conflict into an opportunity to strengthen your relationship … and yourself.