mediatorinthemaking.com

I love that the more I learn, the more I realize there is for me to learn. Case in point: having patience with people who don’t have the same training … and defining who I am in conflict.

It seems that the deeper I go into conflict management and resolution, something interesting is happening. Dealing with people either unaware of or unskilled with good approaches to difficult conversations … either it is now more difficult for me to employ good practices with them specifically, or am I now more aware of when I’m not doing so.

My impatience is especially strong in the face of rampant negativity. When attention and care are not given to providing constructive feedback, when complaints are rattled off so that it almost seems like a person is railing against me, when someone beats the same point over and again. I try to employ good active listening, move toward understanding. But I feel attacked. I feel my work is attacked. I want to defend, disagree. I want to bring us to an agreement … an agreement that agrees with me.

Iit seems that my someone else in these situations often can only be satisfied with an apology. Or better yet, a commendation for being so right and pointing out so rightly how wrong I am/it is/we are.

If my someone else seems not even interested in understanding, then what? What if when time is a major factor? Or in person communication is not possible? This is where one of my new favorite books comes into play. Difficult Conversations.

I’ve generally felt utterly stuck when I didn’t know what to do next in a difficult conversation. I’m now feeling like I’ve gotten my hands on some very good keys.

Perhaps people who tend to need to ‘hammer home’ their points over and again do so because they don’t feel heard in the conversation, or generally they don’t feel heard in life. If I know how to hold a constructive inner monologue, I can control my reactions better. I don’t have to take a difficult conversation so personally, or see negativity as attack.

It’s much harder than I expect, every time, to practice in real life authentic curiosity with someone displaying hostility or conveying biting negativity.

It’s more frustrating to watch a conversation go in a less than ideal way, now that I can see how it could go better … without always knowing how to get it there.

It’s all part of the journey for a newbee in this world. I’m loving it!

My old gym has been trying to bring me back. Almost weekly, they email me invitations to take advantage of their ‘fabulous’ offers exclusive to former members.

I get that they’re a business. They want success. As many members as possible, paying as much as possible.

They seem to think I will rejoin simply because they email me an invitation to do so. I see no consideration of the possibility that I have interests here too. They’ve not once asked me why I am no longer a member. So they have no idea how to bring me back - only that it is in their interest to have my dues.

Perhaps had they thoroughly reality tested their chosen options for meeting their obvious interest, they would have learned quite a lot. Here’s a quick sampling of how they compare to my new gym.

1. They offer more classes.
   But those classes are always overcrowded and often the only way to have a spot is to spend 30 minutes waiting in line.
2. They have very similar machines.
   But there is less variety and always a wait. We have to sign machines out and are kicked off by the next customer as soon as our time is up.
3. They offer towels. If you pay extra.
4. They charge twice as much for membership.

What lessons have I learned here that we can apply to mediation and principled negotiation?

• It’s not enough to identify your own interests, and options to meet them.
• To reach an agreement that satisfies you, you might have to consider the other party’s interests as well.
• If you don’t do so, agreement can still be reached. But it might not be your ideal. In this case, I went somewhere new once my membership was up at that old gym.

A retired judge in the DC area is helping grow the online dispute resolution world with Virtual courthouse.com.

What’s this, you say? Our Mediator-in-the-making is exploring situations in which conflicts are resolved without any face-to-face work? Yes, I am intrigued by the ODR world. But please note as I have that this method is not for everyone or every case.

“The ideal case for Virtual Courthouse has only two parties, involves a dispute over money (as opposed to other forms of relief) and is not emotionally charged, he said. Fender-bender lawsuits fit the bill; custody cases and nasty disputes between neighbors do not.”

That makes sense to me.

It also seems that parties need to have certain resources in order to choose this route. For instance, as noted below, one would need access to a scanner to upload images of necessary documents. Money is also more of a factor here than in small claims, as “Virtual Courthouse charges each party a filing fee of $50 and the arbitrator or mediator charges the parties $300 total.”

Another consideration … insurance companies (or their lawyers) often do not agree to online dispute resolution. But Virtual Courthouse’s founder does feel that the legal profession is warming up to ODR.
Enough of this talk of limitations. How does it work?

“A plaintiff starts the process by registering with Virtual Courthouse, which e-mails the defendant to see if he or she will agree to ODR. If so, the parties pick a neutral from Virtual Courthouse’s list … (then) each party types in a statement of the case and uploads scanned images of any necessary documents, such as doctor’s bills. The neutral then decides what the case is worth.”

Cases have taken anywhere from 15 minutes to 45 days to complete.

And lest you think I’m on the verge of abandoning my face-to-face is best platform, the article noted that about 1/4 of Virtual Courthouse cases end up in face-to-face mediation.

I recently spoke with someone who was experiencing ongoing conflict with colleagues.

Quite a lot of emailing, memo sending, and such types of communication were described. Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and mounting frustrations had come to define the relationships.

I listened. And then asked one question. “Have you tried speaking with them?”

A pause. And then, maybe with a little bit of wonder, “No, I haven’t tried that.”

No in-person conversations had happened between these folks. No relationship building, understanding seeking, principled negotiating to resolve conflicts before they came to define the relationship.

If you’ve gotten stuck in such relationships, I hope you’ll consider this simple suggestion. Spend more time and energy trying to understand and be understood than identifying how those other people are wrong or bad or not in right relationship with you.

It’s much harder to other that other person when you’re looking right at him or her. It’s much harder to build a relationship with, to have patience and understanding for that other person, if your relationship is all through email and memos: faceless but not voiceless things that can’t look you right in the eye.

We can approach our work from a place of partnership. We can consciously strive to recognize our shared missions. We can focus on the us, the interdependence, that is work. Especially in the standard office.

Now successfully having conversations that get us to this good place, especially with difficult people (or if you are a difficult person … we all can be sometimes), is not as simple as this post. But even trying and not exactly succeeding is better than stewing in stress.

I’m eager to have my next conversation with my frustrated friend and learn how things are going.

We can choose conflict. We can choose to try. We can choose to build partnerships. It’s always up to us.

Financial stress is one of the leading causes of conflict in relationships. And our conflicts at home do not stay just at home. They can drive us into new conflicts at work, which we bring home, and so on.

Especially in this troubled economy, good negotiation skills can help us manage stress before it spills out of our wallets and sparks conflict in the most important facets of our lives.

As I sit in the small claims courtroom and here the list of credit cases called, I can’t help but think that there has got to be a better way.

Moshe Cohen has written sound advice at WorkLifeBridge about Using negotiation skills to avoid foreclosure and other calamities.

… regard the situation as a collaborative negotiation whose goal is to solve the problem to best meet everyone’s interests and view the other party as your partner in making this happen.

Be clear about what you can and can’t do, and be conservative in any new commitments you make so you don’t have to have this same conversation with them over and over again. Try to use objective data to persuade the other party that your limits are real, and at the same time, be open to their concerns regarding your commitments. Pay close attention to what they have to say and make sure you understand them. Listen for clues as to what they need in order to keep working with you on renegotiating a deal that works for both of you.

(emphasis added)

Moshe also reminds us to realize that our financial institutions have a vested interest in our success, as they depend on us as much as we on them. This is akin to, though not quite equal to, heavy interdependence. In labor negotiations, this term means “they simply must find some way of getting along with one another.”* While I don’t think the credit companies have reached the point of seeing or accepting heavy interdependence with us regular individuals yet, I believe it might be close. This considering the new package agreed to by the major mortgage companies.

As reported by CreditBloggers and nearly experienced by yours truly, Bank of America is again looking to increase many customers’ rates — seemingly regardless of account status. With that news, it seems that far more of us than expect to might find ourselves in need of these skills.

Oh. And at least until all this blows over, try sticking with cash.

*quote is from Mediation–Its Forms and Functions, Lon L. Fuller, 44 Southern California Law Review 305, 1970-71

When we struggle — with ourselves or with others — we tend to name what’s wrong.

Some of us use “you” language. “You aren’t listening to me.” “You’re ignoring me.” “You aren’t helping me.”

Some of us use “I” language. “I feel like I’m not being heard.” “I am being ignored.” “I feel unsupported.”

Either way, we’re naming what’s wrong. What happens once the wrong is righted? Are we then so used to our mantra of what’s wrong that shifting our mental maps to accept and acknowledge what’s right seems foreign, uncomfortable, difficult, even impossible?

I think what often happens is that we can’t move ourselves into this new phase, accept that what’s wrong no longer is, and move on. We’re stuck.

So. What if we named what we wanted, rather than what we didn’t? (No, this is not a rip off of “the secret” which I’m not completely sold on anyway.) If I choose to say, “We’re working on listening to each other well” instead of “He never listens to me,” I’m using the power of language to place me on a path to where I want to be rather than stick me right where I don’t want to be.

I think this could help me relate to people based more on their potential than on their shortcomings. And so help me spend more time and energy on being productive and constructive than stuck in conflict.

Try it! I will.

When people come across as confident, some can assume that there is a secret to that confidence. So, here’s mine. I’m not always all that confident.

The more I learn about conflict management, negotiation, mediation and conflict resolution, the more comfortable I am with conflict managing conflict.

Side effects of this may vary. For me, they include the following. I can advocate for myself. I can recognize a situation’s potential to devolve into conflict, open my toolbox and pull out an opportunity to strengthen relationships, learn from the people around me, and help us all achieve good things.

I think others see this as confidence, or even fearlessness. Strong will. At worst, maybe some who don’t pay close attention name stubbornness or obstinateness.

In reality, it is a level of comfort with conflict and an ability to maintain a stronger focus on resolution than on obstacles.

I’m developing a rhythm of posting upcoming Boston area mediation trainings and events in the middle of every month. I expect each post to focus on the upcoming six weeks.

For recent or more immediately upcoming events, please visit my posts under the Training and Events category.

To list your event in my roundups, please email me.

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March 1 - April 5
(March 1, 4, 11, 18, 25 and April 5, 2008: Saturdays 9-5 and Tuesdays 3-9)
Basic Mediation Training
Sponsored by The Mediation & Training Collaborative (TMTC)

Location: Northampton, MA
Fee: $575 - Registration deadline February l5
For more information, 413-774-7469 x16 or shackney@communityaction.us

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March 3, 10, 17, 24, 31 (Fridays, 9am to 4pm)
Intensive Mediation Workshop: Getting Others to Yes
Management Assistance Program in collaboration with Mediation Works, Inc.
Presenters: Charles P. Doran, Josh Hoch, Moshe Cohen, Diane Levin

“… help others to successfully resolve conflicts … effectively facilitate the mediation process … lectures, demonstrations, interactive exercises, supervised role-plays and group discussions. Previous completion of negotiation skills training is helpful … Participants are required to attend all five sessions.”

Location: JRI Health Center for Training and Professional Development
25 West Street, 3rd Flr, Boston, MA 02111
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Wednesday, March 5, 2008 5:30pm to 8:00pm
A Look at Non Violent Communication
Presenter: Scott Loring

Social time 5:30pm to 6:00pm
Intended Audience: MWI Court and Divorce Panel Members

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg … examines the unmet needs behind what we say or do. The process transforms relationships with others and with one’s self … fosters respect, attentiveness and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.

Location:
Fee:

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March 5, 2008 9am-4:30pm
Workplace Conflict Resolution Skills Training for Managers and HR Professionals
Presented by Agreement Resources, LLC: employment attorney Leslie Lockard and mediator Crystal Thorpe

Location: Norwood, MA
Fee: $495 by February 8, 2008, or $520 thereafter (includes lunch and materials)
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Thursday, March 6, 2008 9am - 4pm
Advanced Negotiation Skills for Dispute Resolution Professionals
Presenters: Moshe Cohen and Ericka Gray, OptionBridge

“… beyond “Getting to Yes” to a deeper exploration of the psychological factors that enter into negotiation, different styles of negotiation, and how to assist parties in understanding how their own negotiation styles are contributing to impasse.”

Location: TBA
Fee: $195 until 2/14, $220 after

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Thursday, March 6, 2008 2pm to 5:30pm
Assessing and Addressing Power Imbalances: Abusive Relationships and the Collaborative Process
Presented by: Mass Collaborative Law Council, Professor Margaret Drew, University of Cincinnati College of Law

Welcomed particiapnts: lawyers, mental health professionals, mediators, financial specialists and other professionals interested in collaborative practice.

Location: The Walker Center, 171 Grove Street, Newton, Massachusetts
Limited space. Register at www.massclc.org

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March 12, 15, 16, 19, 26, 29, 30, 2008
Forty-Hour Mediation Training Program
Presented by: Mediation Works, Inc.
(weekend & weeknight program) seven sessions / 40-hours total

“… designed to prepare participants to effectively facilitate the mediation process … explores all aspects of the mediation process through lectures, demonstrations, interactive exercises, supervised role-plays and group discussions.”

Location: Suffolk University Law School,120 Tremont Street, Boston, MA
Fee: $775 ($725 if enrolled a month in advance)

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March 28, 29, 31, April 4
Divorce Mediation Training
Presented by: Community Dispute Settlement Center

“This 24 hour course … integrates substantive information with practice through interactive role playing experience. Prerequisite: Basic Mediation Training.”

Location: CDSC Offices, 60 Gore St., East Cambridge (near Lechmere T, Galleria, courthouses)
Fee: $695 ($675 early registration by Mar. 14) See website for additional discounts.

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Ongoing training.

Community Dispute Settlement Center
Mediation Practicum

Mediation Works, Inc.
MWI Mentor Program

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Select future events.

April 13 - 16, 2008
International Ombudsman Association Annual Conference
3rd Annual Conference of IOA: “Making a Difference-The Ombudsman Impact”
The Boston Park Plaza Hotel, Boston, MA

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UPDATE 2/16/08

A couple of events have popped up. March 7-8 Harvard Negotiation Law Review (HNLR) 2008 Symposium: Dispute Systems Design Across Contexts and Continents and March 8-29 36-hr Training in Mediation and Conflict Resolution.

Monster and CareerBuilder searches for Boston area jobs with the keywords “mediation, mediator, conflict resolution” return hundreds of jobs. Hundreds. And yet, as I’ve described in recent posts, the field of mediation is described as an overcrowded field terribly difficult to break into (and with a very bright future should you break in).

What’s happening here? The jobs are vastly different. An Administrative Assistant position at Northeastern University’s Office of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution. Lots of Human Resources Manager positions calling for, among other things, effective conflict resolution skills. Ditto for Project Managers at places as different as State Street Corporation and The TRANE Company. Labor Relations Manager for the American Red Cross. Customer service and support roles also abound. Organizational Development and Learning Consultant for Partners Healthcare.

The trends I’ve been able to spot in these seemingly disparate jobs are that the greatest concentration of them are in management. And most of them include requirements of strong negotiating and effective communication skills, in addition to conflict resolution or mediation.

My questions far outnumber my observations at this point.

Does today’s workplace require all professionals, at least all managers, to be skilled in the arts of conflict resolution, mediation, negotiation and communication? That would be fabulous. Though my experience is that such skills are seen as happy bonuses in professionals adept at skills more directly related to the work on their desks.
But if this is becoming the new universal requirement … How could this change the conflict resolution and mediation professional fields? Will it push such professionals to develop their respective fields more deeply? Force even more focus on training than practice?

Where are all of these professionals learning their skills? Are they all dedicating 40 hours to basic mediation training? Online courses promising to turn them into skilled mediators in a few short hours and without those pesky other people? I know a lot of mediators find their bread and butter in training … mediator courses, on-site corporate trainings, one-on-one coaching. Perhaps that is where true growth lies.

I’ll need to do more research and watch the job markets closely to understand much more than I now do. In the meantime I look forward to hearing from folks out there already thinking about these questions and more.