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This morning, doing one of my favorite things – listing to This American Life – I heard an interview with violence interrupter Tim White of CeaseFire. Tim is a former gang member who now fills an extremely compelling role in the world of conflict resolution.

With an “intimate knowledge of what motivates an urban youth to shoot,” violence interrupters are trained by violence prevention experts and then connected in to neighborhood networks in order to intervene before violence happens. Usually, this means stepping in when revenge violence is likely.

CeaseFire’s efforts have substantially decreased the rate of gun violence in a city suffering what has been deemed a public health epidemic.

As I explore the practice of mediation, I am exploring how it and related practices such as conflict resolution, conflict management, coaching and negotiation, are practiced professionally. Every now and then, I’ll share with you here brief profiles of the career paths I find intriguing, inspiring, or otherwise noteworthy.

Violence interrupters take a unique path into the world of professional conflict resolution, perhaps making their work all the more compelling to me. It is a true community empowerment model. Community members becoming leaders of conflict management within their own communities. Modeling the change they wish to see in their part of the world.

I’m so glad to know that this exists.

For a more in-depth treatment of the program, hear an interview with the director or visit the Executive Summary: Evaluation of CeaseFire-Chicago published by Northwestern University Institute for Policy Research.

The following is a selective listing of Boston area mediation, conflict resolution and negotiation trainings and events for April and May 2008.

Find additional training listings at Mediation Works, Inc. (basic training or advanced) and the Harvard Program on Negotiation.

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April 9, 2008 2pm to 4pm
ADR Professions Colliding:
Addressing the Tension Between Mediation and Collaborative Practice
from Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation, Inc.
Presenters: Lynda J. Robbins, Esq., and Karen J. Levitt, Esq.

Location: Arnold Room, Wellesley Free Library, 530 Washington Street, Wellesley, MA

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April 13 - 16, 2008
International Ombudsman Association Annual Conference
3rd Annual Conference of IOA: “Making a Difference-The Ombudsman Impact”
The Boston Park Plaza Hotel, Boston, MA

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April 16, 2008 8:30 - 10am
(Continental Breakfast at 8am)
Dispute Resolution Forum
from Harvard Law School and the Program on Negotiation
Speaker: Rikk Larsen, mediator, trainer, conflict coach, Managing Partner at Howell Larsen Associates, founding partner of Elder Decisions

Location: John Chipman Gray Room, 2nd Floor, Pound Hall

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April 17, 2008 2pm - 5:30pm
Assessing and Addressing Power Imbalances:
Abusive Relationships and the Collaborative Process
from Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council
Presenter: Professor Margaret Drew, University of Cincinnati College of Law

Location: The Walker Center, 171 Grove Street, Newton, MA

Attendance is limited, so register early at Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council
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April 28, 2008 9am - 4pm
Managing Conflict in the Workplace
from Cape Mediation
$150.00($125 by 3/28)

Location: Willy’s World Wellness & Conference Center in North Eastham

“Workplace conflict is inevitable … Learn a proven problem-solving model
and practical skills to help deal with conflict between staff, management, and customers.”

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May 2-9, 2008
CDSC Basic Mediation Training
from Community Dispute Settlement Center

Location: CDSC, 60 Gore Street, East Cambridge, MA
Cost: $695 ($650 if registration recvd. by April 3)

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May 21, 2008 11:30am to 2pm
(Social Time 11:30am to 12pm)
Overcoming Impasse – Tools to Empower Parties to Reach Agreements
from Mediation Works, Inc.
Presenters: Chuck Doran and Josh Hoch

Intended Audience: MWI Court and Divorce Panel Members
“Participating in mediation can be difficult for parties. After time, impasse can seem too difficult to overcome. Join Chuck and Josh for some advanced mediation skill training as they share techniques and discuss strategies for empowering parties to be able to overcome impasse, stay focused, and reach agreement.”

I love that the more I learn, the more I realize there is for me to learn. Case in point: having patience with people who don’t have the same training … and defining who I am in conflict.

It seems that the deeper I go into conflict management and resolution, something interesting is happening. Dealing with people either unaware of or unskilled with good approaches to difficult conversations … either it is now more difficult for me to employ good practices with them specifically, or am I now more aware of when I’m not doing so.

My impatience is especially strong in the face of rampant negativity. When attention and care are not given to providing constructive feedback, when complaints are rattled off so that it almost seems like a person is railing against me, when someone beats the same point over and again. I try to employ good active listening, move toward understanding. But I feel attacked. I feel my work is attacked. I want to defend, disagree. I want to bring us to an agreement … an agreement that agrees with me.

Iit seems that my someone else in these situations often can only be satisfied with an apology. Or better yet, a commendation for being so right and pointing out so rightly how wrong I am/it is/we are.

If my someone else seems not even interested in understanding, then what? What if when time is a major factor? Or in person communication is not possible? This is where one of my new favorite books comes into play. Difficult Conversations.

I’ve generally felt utterly stuck when I didn’t know what to do next in a difficult conversation. I’m now feeling like I’ve gotten my hands on some very good keys.

Perhaps people who tend to need to ‘hammer home’ their points over and again do so because they don’t feel heard in the conversation, or generally they don’t feel heard in life. If I know how to hold a constructive inner monologue, I can control my reactions better. I don’t have to take a difficult conversation so personally, or see negativity as attack.

It’s much harder than I expect, every time, to practice in real life authentic curiosity with someone displaying hostility or conveying biting negativity.

It’s more frustrating to watch a conversation go in a less than ideal way, now that I can see how it could go better … without always knowing how to get it there.

It’s all part of the journey for a newbee in this world. I’m loving it!

I recently spoke with someone who was experiencing ongoing conflict with colleagues.

Quite a lot of emailing, memo sending, and such types of communication were described. Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and mounting frustrations had come to define the relationships.

I listened. And then asked one question. “Have you tried speaking with them?”

A pause. And then, maybe with a little bit of wonder, “No, I haven’t tried that.”

No in-person conversations had happened between these folks. No relationship building, understanding seeking, principled negotiating to resolve conflicts before they came to define the relationship.

If you’ve gotten stuck in such relationships, I hope you’ll consider this simple suggestion. Spend more time and energy trying to understand and be understood than identifying how those other people are wrong or bad or not in right relationship with you.

It’s much harder to other that other person when you’re looking right at him or her. It’s much harder to build a relationship with, to have patience and understanding for that other person, if your relationship is all through email and memos: faceless but not voiceless things that can’t look you right in the eye.

We can approach our work from a place of partnership. We can consciously strive to recognize our shared missions. We can focus on the us, the interdependence, that is work. Especially in the standard office.

Now successfully having conversations that get us to this good place, especially with difficult people (or if you are a difficult person … we all can be sometimes), is not as simple as this post. But even trying and not exactly succeeding is better than stewing in stress.

I’m eager to have my next conversation with my frustrated friend and learn how things are going.

We can choose conflict. We can choose to try. We can choose to build partnerships. It’s always up to us.

Financial stress is one of the leading causes of conflict in relationships. And our conflicts at home do not stay just at home. They can drive us into new conflicts at work, which we bring home, and so on.

Especially in this troubled economy, good negotiation skills can help us manage stress before it spills out of our wallets and sparks conflict in the most important facets of our lives.

As I sit in the small claims courtroom and here the list of credit cases called, I can’t help but think that there has got to be a better way.

Moshe Cohen has written sound advice at WorkLifeBridge about Using negotiation skills to avoid foreclosure and other calamities.

… regard the situation as a collaborative negotiation whose goal is to solve the problem to best meet everyone’s interests and view the other party as your partner in making this happen.

Be clear about what you can and can’t do, and be conservative in any new commitments you make so you don’t have to have this same conversation with them over and over again. Try to use objective data to persuade the other party that your limits are real, and at the same time, be open to their concerns regarding your commitments. Pay close attention to what they have to say and make sure you understand them. Listen for clues as to what they need in order to keep working with you on renegotiating a deal that works for both of you.

(emphasis added)

Moshe also reminds us to realize that our financial institutions have a vested interest in our success, as they depend on us as much as we on them. This is akin to, though not quite equal to, heavy interdependence. In labor negotiations, this term means “they simply must find some way of getting along with one another.”* While I don’t think the credit companies have reached the point of seeing or accepting heavy interdependence with us regular individuals yet, I believe it might be close. This considering the new package agreed to by the major mortgage companies.

As reported by CreditBloggers and nearly experienced by yours truly, Bank of America is again looking to increase many customers’ rates — seemingly regardless of account status. With that news, it seems that far more of us than expect to might find ourselves in need of these skills.

Oh. And at least until all this blows over, try sticking with cash.

*quote is from Mediation–Its Forms and Functions, Lon L. Fuller, 44 Southern California Law Review 305, 1970-71

When we struggle — with ourselves or with others — we tend to name what’s wrong.

Some of us use “you” language. “You aren’t listening to me.” “You’re ignoring me.” “You aren’t helping me.”

Some of us use “I” language. “I feel like I’m not being heard.” “I am being ignored.” “I feel unsupported.”

Either way, we’re naming what’s wrong. What happens once the wrong is righted? Are we then so used to our mantra of what’s wrong that shifting our mental maps to accept and acknowledge what’s right seems foreign, uncomfortable, difficult, even impossible?

I think what often happens is that we can’t move ourselves into this new phase, accept that what’s wrong no longer is, and move on. We’re stuck.

So. What if we named what we wanted, rather than what we didn’t? (No, this is not a rip off of “the secret” which I’m not completely sold on anyway.) If I choose to say, “We’re working on listening to each other well” instead of “He never listens to me,” I’m using the power of language to place me on a path to where I want to be rather than stick me right where I don’t want to be.

I think this could help me relate to people based more on their potential than on their shortcomings. And so help me spend more time and energy on being productive and constructive than stuck in conflict.

Try it! I will.

When people come across as confident, some can assume that there is a secret to that confidence. So, here’s mine. I’m not always all that confident.

The more I learn about conflict management, negotiation, mediation and conflict resolution, the more comfortable I am with conflict managing conflict.

Side effects of this may vary. For me, they include the following. I can advocate for myself. I can recognize a situation’s potential to devolve into conflict, open my toolbox and pull out an opportunity to strengthen relationships, learn from the people around me, and help us all achieve good things.

I think others see this as confidence, or even fearlessness. Strong will. At worst, maybe some who don’t pay close attention name stubbornness or obstinateness.

In reality, it is a level of comfort with conflict and an ability to maintain a stronger focus on resolution than on obstacles.

I occasionally find that a post I’ve started really should be teased out into multiple posts. So, from time to time, I’ll post miniseries on various topics. This first one will be a string on listening.

Recently, two people I supervise landed in a bit of a heated conflict. Each is very dedicated to and personally invested in our work, each is experienced in the pitfalls and rewards of human collaboration. One is in the role of supervisor while both are leaders with extensive leadership experience. Can you see where this is heading?

Both are very busy people who generally opt to communicate by email. Now you see it, yes?

One interpreted the other’s well intentioned email as negative and perhaps even patronizing. A round of email volleyball ensued, escalating with each message served up hot and cold.

You might have witnessed, or even participated in, such exercises. For the two or three people in the world who haven’t, I will enlighten.

Each person reads the other’s words and listens to their own interpretation. There is no opportunity for dialogue in the moment. Each person

stews in their frustration, typing and perhaps retyping their response as the steam builds. There is no eye contact, tone of voice or body language to aide in understanding or fostering empathy. Rather, each is left to decipher the other’s message through their own filters. A misunderstanding, which could quickly be identified and resolved in live communication, turns into a rift threatening the relationship and rather challenging to mend. After all, how often do any of us take the time to write back to someone, “I don’t think I quite understood what you just said. Could you elaborate?” And if we did, what would happen? Email lends itself less to open, meandering conversation and more to immediate, decisive response.

I watched this progress and waited for the proper moment to dive in to the fray. When it came, I stepped away from the keyboard and got on that

antiquated yet still rather useful tool, the te-le-phone.I prepared myself in advance of each call and will discuss my approach to these conversations in my next installment of Musings: On Listening.

For now, I’d like to focus on what I met with on each call: relief. Not at first, mind you. But eventually it was clear that each party felt relieved to actually hear from a real live person, patiently and actively listening to them. They each simply wanted to feel — no, not feel, be — heard and valued.

I hope that each person came out of this experience excited to continue our collaboration. I believe true collaboration means trust, positive assumptions, and an eagerness to make relationships work in order to achieve goals we can’t on our own — or, without that, a stronger focus on the work at hand than on our collaborators’ perceived shortcomings.

At any rate, I know that my stepping in to actively listen to each person preserved our relationships and ensured continued progress in the work we’re all invested in. And I know that I used just about every tool I had in my mediator’s tool box to acheive that result.

And now for the obligatory cliches, or lessons learned. I dusted these beauties off and found new life in them during this experience …

Most people are doing the best they can most of the time.
-I first heard this one from my 10th grade biology teacher. I have no idea to whom to credit it.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
-Habit 5 of the Seven Habits of Highlyg Effective People, Stephen Covey

Come back soon for more installments of my first Musings miniseries!

Stop. Where are you now?

During a Facilitative Leadership course, whenever any of us students suddenly appeared lost while practicing our new skills for leading productive conversations and building consensus, our coach would say these very helpful words. Immediately we were centered. We then could explore our actions, our purpose and our goals, and jump back in to the situation with a new and more productive approach.

I’ve found these words to be incredibly useful in conflict and potential conflict situations.

I quietly say these words to myself. When I find myself in a conversation which could become a conflict; when mediating, counseling or coaching parties in conflict, I can use these words to find my center. Examine with care my actions, purpose and goals, and jump back in … in control of myself and able to guide the situation productively.

Whether I find myself getting heated or need to ensure that I remain empathic and patient in the face of another’s building tension, this twist on the old ‘counting to ten.’

Try it yourself and see how many times you can turn a potential conflict into an opportunity to strengthen your relationship … and yourself.