mediatorinthemaking.com

You know the old saying about the milk and the cow. Feminist perspective aside, some are wondering if this adage might apply to the professional mediation community.

There are a whole lot of people in the Boston area alone practicing mediation and conflict resolution in various ways. Some make very comfortable livings doing mediation or a combination of mediation, arbitration, negotiation, coaching and even ombuds consulting. Some combine these works with other work. And many, like me, do this work as an avocation. For free.

I can’t help but think back to my days in the Boston music scene. There are literally thousands of bands in Boston alone. Many are happy to play for free (or really end up paying to play by the end of the night). And with so many bands drooling just to have an audience, any audience, bars have little or no reason to pay bands anything. That is, no reason until a seemingly miraculous chain of events combine with an incredible amount of hard work and a lot of supportive people to land that band with a few bargaining chips in their pocket.

Is it the same in the world of mediation? I’m looking at you, experienced Boston mediators, especially. Post your comments and share your thoughts or add some more questions.

Does giving it away make it harder to make a living?

Are we promoting awareness of the profession through all this volunteer work, and so making it more possible for more people to find conflict resolution a profession rather than avocation?

I’ve been away from the blogosphere for a while. It’s great to be back! My days have been filled with lots of home projects, and at least a little bit of lounging by the neighbor’s pool … and a whole lot of work digesting all the I’ve learned through fall and spring trainings, and singular small claims experiences. Which brings me to today’s musings.

Many never get to experience the amazing wonder that is small claims.

As a mediator, I remind myself that I am seeing people at anything but their best. I silently assert that for the most part, these might be very sensible, caring, aware people. And that intractable disputes can have drastic effects on anyone.

“I’m going to have fun with this.”
I’ve been doing some reading about the story-telling phenomena. It seems that from our first step on the ladder of inference, we begin telling ourselves a story of what’s happening. Especially in stressful situations, we can become wholly focused on our story and lose our mindfulness of the moment. We perceive the other as what our narrative has drawn, and cease to objectively observe them or the events. By the time these people get to court, they have wrapped themselves tightly in a story which ends with their vindication. They are here for judgment day. And they are especially disappointed when their judgment day is takes a side route into the mediation room.

“I’m just here for the principle.”
Also wrapped tightly in their own story, the person here for the principle is expecting vindication. A judge will wrap a gavel, point down from on high with a bony finger at the evil doer who has wrought such terror within an innocent life, saying, “You have been very bad. Give this innocent angel here a hug. And five dollars.”

“Is this going to be like Judge Judy?”
This person is well versed in the caricatures of Judge Judy or perhaps the People’s Court, their plaintiffs and defendants. They’ve seen poorly behaved or ill prepared plaintiffs and defendants ripped to shreds by sassy judges. They’ve learned from seemingly effective character assassinations, usually goaded on by said sassy judges.

They might tell the mediator they only agreed to mediation in order to impress the judge. They might enter the mediation room with many documents to show that they will come across as the one who’s got it together. They will likely insert interesting and totally unrelated tidbits about the other parties’ former mates, friends, sleeping habits, and anything else that could possibly spark controversy.

It’s not surprising and not the parties’ fault. In addition to how prolonged conflict can impact even the most mindful person, the whole small claims process seems so disempowering from the beginning. The parties appear bewildered when they enter the courtroom which bears no signage and boasts no person to greet or instruct them, or even confirm they’re in the right room. They wait quietly for what must seem an interminable time until the clerk enters to call the list. A far cry from the sassy powerful t.v. mavens with their impressive robes.

And then rather than judgment day, they get me and my co-mediator in a closet with chairs! Look for a future post on the challenges of ‘selling’ the promise of mediation to such crestfallen – or hostile – small claims parties.

During my recent and very fabulous vacation to Iceland (I highly recommend it), I had the opportunity to witness quite an exchange on a plane. Many people tend to not be at their best when traveling.

As we boarded the plane for our late evening flight, two men became a bit entangled. One was standing in the aisle, taking longer than some might like to get situated (we’ll call him Man #1). The other, having fully lost his patience, barked.

Man #1 (who I know to be generally mild mannered) chose to respond to Man#2 with matched annoyance. They went round a couple more times — at least six rows away from each other — before both were finally settled in their seats, and thankfully quiet.

What was gained or lost in this moment of conflict? Here are my observations:

1. The stress level of a number of passengers was at least momentarily increased.
2. Man #2 became increasingly heated with each response from Man #1, and so certainly nothing was solved with any of Man #1’s responses.
3. Had Man #1 not responded, the moment of conflict would have ended before it began.
4. Both men just wanted to get into their seats. Neither achieved this any more quickly or enjoyably through their spates.
5. Man #1 realized that Man #2 and a bunch of other people wanted to get to their seats, but thought that with a number of other people also in the aisle ahead it would make no difference if he rushed. Bottom line? He didn’t mean to be in the way.

My pearls of wisdom on this one …

• By assuming the worst of each other, both turned a perfectly harmless event into a harmful one.
• Giving back just what you get might not get you anywhere good, when you don’t like what you get.
• You never know who you’re talking to. Man #1 and Man #2 turned out to be staying in the same hotel in Iceland, making for more than one unnecessary awkward moment.

The following is a selective listing of Boston area mediation, conflict resolution and negotiation trainings and events for April and May 2008.

Find additional training listings at Mediation Works, Inc. (basic training or advanced) and the Harvard Program on Negotiation.

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April 9, 2008 2pm to 4pm
ADR Professions Colliding:
Addressing the Tension Between Mediation and Collaborative Practice
from Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation, Inc.
Presenters: Lynda J. Robbins, Esq., and Karen J. Levitt, Esq.

Location: Arnold Room, Wellesley Free Library, 530 Washington Street, Wellesley, MA

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April 13 - 16, 2008
International Ombudsman Association Annual Conference
3rd Annual Conference of IOA: “Making a Difference-The Ombudsman Impact”
The Boston Park Plaza Hotel, Boston, MA

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April 16, 2008 8:30 - 10am
(Continental Breakfast at 8am)
Dispute Resolution Forum
from Harvard Law School and the Program on Negotiation
Speaker: Rikk Larsen, mediator, trainer, conflict coach, Managing Partner at Howell Larsen Associates, founding partner of Elder Decisions

Location: John Chipman Gray Room, 2nd Floor, Pound Hall

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April 17, 2008 2pm - 5:30pm
Assessing and Addressing Power Imbalances:
Abusive Relationships and the Collaborative Process
from Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council
Presenter: Professor Margaret Drew, University of Cincinnati College of Law

Location: The Walker Center, 171 Grove Street, Newton, MA

Attendance is limited, so register early at Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council
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April 28, 2008 9am - 4pm
Managing Conflict in the Workplace
from Cape Mediation
$150.00($125 by 3/28)

Location: Willy’s World Wellness & Conference Center in North Eastham

“Workplace conflict is inevitable … Learn a proven problem-solving model
and practical skills to help deal with conflict between staff, management, and customers.”

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May 2-9, 2008
CDSC Basic Mediation Training
from Community Dispute Settlement Center

Location: CDSC, 60 Gore Street, East Cambridge, MA
Cost: $695 ($650 if registration recvd. by April 3)

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May 21, 2008 11:30am to 2pm
(Social Time 11:30am to 12pm)
Overcoming Impasse – Tools to Empower Parties to Reach Agreements
from Mediation Works, Inc.
Presenters: Chuck Doran and Josh Hoch

Intended Audience: MWI Court and Divorce Panel Members
“Participating in mediation can be difficult for parties. After time, impasse can seem too difficult to overcome. Join Chuck and Josh for some advanced mediation skill training as they share techniques and discuss strategies for empowering parties to be able to overcome impasse, stay focused, and reach agreement.”

I am enjoying reading my peer mediation student’s blog over at Better Than Misery.

The latest post, Newsflash: No money in mediation,  of course caught my attention.

I can relate to this:

I think it has to do with the general public learning what it means and why its beneficial. Lately I have been thinking about alternative kinds of manifestations of my conflict management degree, including online dispute resolution projects.

You might have read me wondering here if most careers are careers in conflict resolution, and if conflict is just too sexy for most people to care to resolve rather than fight to the win/lose bitter end.

It amazes me to read a mediation student in Israel writing thoughts and experiences so similar to my own in the U.S. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one exploring these questions right now.

When working for my undergrad, I felt like I was going at light-speed with the knowledge that I would reach the light at the end of the tunnel, my professional life would start and my work would pay off. Seems like sometimes we mediation students feel like we could just be spinning our wheels.

Partly because I’m not doing the professional work I expected with my undergrad,  I’m ok with not knowing where this mediation work will lead. I know I really enjoy it, I seem to have aptitude for it, I’m finding opportunities as I go, and I’m using these skills every day in both professional and personal settings.

Any other mediation students out there? Pros who’ve been there? What are your thoughts?

I love that the more I learn, the more I realize there is for me to learn. Case in point: having patience with people who don’t have the same training … and defining who I am in conflict.

It seems that the deeper I go into conflict management and resolution, something interesting is happening. Dealing with people either unaware of or unskilled with good approaches to difficult conversations … either it is now more difficult for me to employ good practices with them specifically, or am I now more aware of when I’m not doing so.

My impatience is especially strong in the face of rampant negativity. When attention and care are not given to providing constructive feedback, when complaints are rattled off so that it almost seems like a person is railing against me, when someone beats the same point over and again. I try to employ good active listening, move toward understanding. But I feel attacked. I feel my work is attacked. I want to defend, disagree. I want to bring us to an agreement … an agreement that agrees with me.

Iit seems that my someone else in these situations often can only be satisfied with an apology. Or better yet, a commendation for being so right and pointing out so rightly how wrong I am/it is/we are.

If my someone else seems not even interested in understanding, then what? What if when time is a major factor? Or in person communication is not possible? This is where one of my new favorite books comes into play. Difficult Conversations.

I’ve generally felt utterly stuck when I didn’t know what to do next in a difficult conversation. I’m now feeling like I’ve gotten my hands on some very good keys.

Perhaps people who tend to need to ‘hammer home’ their points over and again do so because they don’t feel heard in the conversation, or generally they don’t feel heard in life. If I know how to hold a constructive inner monologue, I can control my reactions better. I don’t have to take a difficult conversation so personally, or see negativity as attack.

It’s much harder than I expect, every time, to practice in real life authentic curiosity with someone displaying hostility or conveying biting negativity.

It’s more frustrating to watch a conversation go in a less than ideal way, now that I can see how it could go better … without always knowing how to get it there.

It’s all part of the journey for a newbee in this world. I’m loving it!

Financial stress is one of the leading causes of conflict in relationships. And our conflicts at home do not stay just at home. They can drive us into new conflicts at work, which we bring home, and so on.

Especially in this troubled economy, good negotiation skills can help us manage stress before it spills out of our wallets and sparks conflict in the most important facets of our lives.

As I sit in the small claims courtroom and here the list of credit cases called, I can’t help but think that there has got to be a better way.

Moshe Cohen has written sound advice at WorkLifeBridge about Using negotiation skills to avoid foreclosure and other calamities.

… regard the situation as a collaborative negotiation whose goal is to solve the problem to best meet everyone’s interests and view the other party as your partner in making this happen.

Be clear about what you can and can’t do, and be conservative in any new commitments you make so you don’t have to have this same conversation with them over and over again. Try to use objective data to persuade the other party that your limits are real, and at the same time, be open to their concerns regarding your commitments. Pay close attention to what they have to say and make sure you understand them. Listen for clues as to what they need in order to keep working with you on renegotiating a deal that works for both of you.

(emphasis added)

Moshe also reminds us to realize that our financial institutions have a vested interest in our success, as they depend on us as much as we on them. This is akin to, though not quite equal to, heavy interdependence. In labor negotiations, this term means “they simply must find some way of getting along with one another.”* While I don’t think the credit companies have reached the point of seeing or accepting heavy interdependence with us regular individuals yet, I believe it might be close. This considering the new package agreed to by the major mortgage companies.

As reported by CreditBloggers and nearly experienced by yours truly, Bank of America is again looking to increase many customers’ rates — seemingly regardless of account status. With that news, it seems that far more of us than expect to might find ourselves in need of these skills.

Oh. And at least until all this blows over, try sticking with cash.

*quote is from Mediation–Its Forms and Functions, Lon L. Fuller, 44 Southern California Law Review 305, 1970-71

I’m developing a rhythm of posting upcoming Boston area mediation trainings and events in the middle of every month. I expect each post to focus on the upcoming six weeks.

For recent or more immediately upcoming events, please visit my posts under the Training and Events category.

To list your event in my roundups, please email me.

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March 1 - April 5
(March 1, 4, 11, 18, 25 and April 5, 2008: Saturdays 9-5 and Tuesdays 3-9)
Basic Mediation Training
Sponsored by The Mediation & Training Collaborative (TMTC)

Location: Northampton, MA
Fee: $575 - Registration deadline February l5
For more information, 413-774-7469 x16 or shackney@communityaction.us

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March 3, 10, 17, 24, 31 (Fridays, 9am to 4pm)
Intensive Mediation Workshop: Getting Others to Yes
Management Assistance Program in collaboration with Mediation Works, Inc.
Presenters: Charles P. Doran, Josh Hoch, Moshe Cohen, Diane Levin

“… help others to successfully resolve conflicts … effectively facilitate the mediation process … lectures, demonstrations, interactive exercises, supervised role-plays and group discussions. Previous completion of negotiation skills training is helpful … Participants are required to attend all five sessions.”

Location: JRI Health Center for Training and Professional Development
25 West Street, 3rd Flr, Boston, MA 02111
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Wednesday, March 5, 2008 5:30pm to 8:00pm
A Look at Non Violent Communication
Presenter: Scott Loring

Social time 5:30pm to 6:00pm
Intended Audience: MWI Court and Divorce Panel Members

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg … examines the unmet needs behind what we say or do. The process transforms relationships with others and with one’s self … fosters respect, attentiveness and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.

Location:
Fee:

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March 5, 2008 9am-4:30pm
Workplace Conflict Resolution Skills Training for Managers and HR Professionals
Presented by Agreement Resources, LLC: employment attorney Leslie Lockard and mediator Crystal Thorpe

Location: Norwood, MA
Fee: $495 by February 8, 2008, or $520 thereafter (includes lunch and materials)
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Thursday, March 6, 2008 9am - 4pm
Advanced Negotiation Skills for Dispute Resolution Professionals
Presenters: Moshe Cohen and Ericka Gray, OptionBridge

“… beyond “Getting to Yes” to a deeper exploration of the psychological factors that enter into negotiation, different styles of negotiation, and how to assist parties in understanding how their own negotiation styles are contributing to impasse.”

Location: TBA
Fee: $195 until 2/14, $220 after

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Thursday, March 6, 2008 2pm to 5:30pm
Assessing and Addressing Power Imbalances: Abusive Relationships and the Collaborative Process
Presented by: Mass Collaborative Law Council, Professor Margaret Drew, University of Cincinnati College of Law

Welcomed particiapnts: lawyers, mental health professionals, mediators, financial specialists and other professionals interested in collaborative practice.

Location: The Walker Center, 171 Grove Street, Newton, Massachusetts
Limited space. Register at www.massclc.org

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March 12, 15, 16, 19, 26, 29, 30, 2008
Forty-Hour Mediation Training Program
Presented by: Mediation Works, Inc.
(weekend & weeknight program) seven sessions / 40-hours total

“… designed to prepare participants to effectively facilitate the mediation process … explores all aspects of the mediation process through lectures, demonstrations, interactive exercises, supervised role-plays and group discussions.”

Location: Suffolk University Law School,120 Tremont Street, Boston, MA
Fee: $775 ($725 if enrolled a month in advance)

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March 28, 29, 31, April 4
Divorce Mediation Training
Presented by: Community Dispute Settlement Center

“This 24 hour course … integrates substantive information with practice through interactive role playing experience. Prerequisite: Basic Mediation Training.”

Location: CDSC Offices, 60 Gore St., East Cambridge (near Lechmere T, Galleria, courthouses)
Fee: $695 ($675 early registration by Mar. 14) See website for additional discounts.

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Ongoing training.

Community Dispute Settlement Center
Mediation Practicum

Mediation Works, Inc.
MWI Mentor Program

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Select future events.

April 13 - 16, 2008
International Ombudsman Association Annual Conference
3rd Annual Conference of IOA: “Making a Difference-The Ombudsman Impact”
The Boston Park Plaza Hotel, Boston, MA

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UPDATE 2/16/08

A couple of events have popped up. March 7-8 Harvard Negotiation Law Review (HNLR) 2008 Symposium: Dispute Systems Design Across Contexts and Continents and March 8-29 36-hr Training in Mediation and Conflict Resolution.

Monster and CareerBuilder searches for Boston area jobs with the keywords “mediation, mediator, conflict resolution” return hundreds of jobs. Hundreds. And yet, as I’ve described in recent posts, the field of mediation is described as an overcrowded field terribly difficult to break into (and with a very bright future should you break in).

What’s happening here? The jobs are vastly different. An Administrative Assistant position at Northeastern University’s Office of Student Conduct and Conflict Resolution. Lots of Human Resources Manager positions calling for, among other things, effective conflict resolution skills. Ditto for Project Managers at places as different as State Street Corporation and The TRANE Company. Labor Relations Manager for the American Red Cross. Customer service and support roles also abound. Organizational Development and Learning Consultant for Partners Healthcare.

The trends I’ve been able to spot in these seemingly disparate jobs are that the greatest concentration of them are in management. And most of them include requirements of strong negotiating and effective communication skills, in addition to conflict resolution or mediation.

My questions far outnumber my observations at this point.

Does today’s workplace require all professionals, at least all managers, to be skilled in the arts of conflict resolution, mediation, negotiation and communication? That would be fabulous. Though my experience is that such skills are seen as happy bonuses in professionals adept at skills more directly related to the work on their desks.
But if this is becoming the new universal requirement … How could this change the conflict resolution and mediation professional fields? Will it push such professionals to develop their respective fields more deeply? Force even more focus on training than practice?

Where are all of these professionals learning their skills? Are they all dedicating 40 hours to basic mediation training? Online courses promising to turn them into skilled mediators in a few short hours and without those pesky other people? I know a lot of mediators find their bread and butter in training … mediator courses, on-site corporate trainings, one-on-one coaching. Perhaps that is where true growth lies.

I’ll need to do more research and watch the job markets closely to understand much more than I now do. In the meantime I look forward to hearing from folks out there already thinking about these questions and more.

Well, it’s over. The Colts lost to the Chargers. The Cowboys lost to the Giants. And I - along with most fans - was certain both games would turn out exactly the opposite.

Because I was sure the outcomes of these games had been written in the stars, and apparently I had a special line to those stars, I barely watched these two great games. I glanced up every now and then to see who had just inched past the other.

I didn’t really pay attention until the last five minutes of each game (that’s playclock minutes for you non-footballers out there. sorry, no time to explain.) And what exciting minutes! Two close games, two teams I assumed would win just, well, sort of folding in on themselves.

Where am I going with this? Really, there is a connection. I entered into the situation assuming I already knew the outcome. So I missed out.

If I enter into a conversation, a mediation, etc., assuming I know what will happen — or at least what I think I need to know — I miss out. I will either inadvertently control and lead the conversation. Or I will never get to learn what I could from this unique and knowledgeable person (everyone is themselves and so unique, and everyone is knowledgeable about something I’m not, yes?). Or I will not reach the resolution I could because I’m so busy driving towards my predetermined destination.

And that’s what I learned from the NFL playoffs this weekend.

Oh - also that the Pats are seriously the best team that has ever played the game, to date.