mediatorinthemaking.com

This morning, on the treadmill, my wandering eyes found a very exciting flat panel TV showing in very exciting HD a very exciting courtroom drama. You know the kind, with two people airing their private lives before a judgmental judge (yes, I’m aware of the unfortunate but rather fitting language).

A few minutes later, I look up again to find a divorce courtroom drama and I recall an article I read recently saying something like that working with a mediator can cost 1/4 what it would to go to court. Don’t quote me on that as I’m very possibly misquoting. But it is easy to find literature touting the merits of mediation vs. court for a range of disputes, especially divorce.

As I wondered why anyone would choose to air their private lives before a snappy judge and the daytime TV watching world, I had an idea. Maybe conflict is just too exciting for us to avoid.

Can you imagine what would happen if Divorce Court was replaced with The Mediation Room? Would anyone watch two spouses learning to manage conflict and speak to each other constructively thanks to the leadership and facilitation of a mediator?

I recall being amazed to watch a party at (real live) small claims court mimic so deftly the stereotypical People’s Court plaintiff, complete with totally unrelated personal insults, I could’ve believed it was scripted.

Yes, I realize we could easily debate the actual reality of “reality” court TV shows. But I think it is more important that enough people watch these shows to have kept them on the air for possibly decades. Or keep about seven hours of such shows a day on network TV now. (Yes, seven hours at last check of Comcast listings.)

So how do we minimize the allure of the down and dirty conflict? How do we make constructive communication more exciting than petty insults and flailing unkindnesses?

Perhaps it’s the people who like to watch. The people who don’t come to mediation. Perhaps these people are our true clients.

It’s a big day for the Mediator In the Making! Yesterday, I had my first glimpse into small claims mediation. I can’t wait to go back.

I’ve got pages and pages of notes I’d love to share with you all. Instead of publishing my first ebook, I’ll let it all simmer and explore one thing at a time. (No need to thank me. I realize you might have lives away from my blog.)

Perceptions. A heavily weighted word, and quite rightly so.

It seems to me that each mediator is constantly performing an amazing balancing act. We have our own perceptions of the process, the parties, our performance, our co-mediators. Within each of those, we’re building perceptions of appearances, body language, eye contact, tone of voice, and of course the words we’re hearing. We’re gauging - and maybe hearing - our parties’ perceptions of us, the process, and our co-mediator. And we’re hearing and gauging that of our co-mediator.

Just steps away from perceptions, we will find assumptions. Sometimes baby steps. So then we balance ourselves on the cusp of allowing our perceptions to give way to assumptions, which then would have us leading rather than facilitating or following the parties.

My, my, my! We would all make great circus acts, wouldn’t we? Balancing atop that tight rope, music playing, crowd gasping, and any number of additional distractions.

It was exciting to get to practice the process of recognizing and utilizing my perceptions, acknowledging and setting aside any assumptions which I might give way to in weak moments when I allow myself to not be fully present. To acknowledge and brush off, rather than suppress, any assumptions which could then give way to judgments, and allow myself to proceed with a clear mind and neutral perspective.

There’s another amazing characteristic of perceptions in the mediation room. Others’ perceptions might surprise me, or even directly conflict with my own. Yet there they are. And so I must acknowledge and respond to them. Management and customer service conventional wisdom tell us something similar, and useful here. It doesn’t matter if the customer’s perception seems to be reality from where we sit, or fits with what we mean to have them think. Because it is there, we must acknowledge and respond to it. Allow them to know that they have been heard (notice I do not say “feel heard”). In the mediation room, I guess this could be described as incorporating perceptions into the process.

Of course these are all my very early perceptions of this process. They are my foundational building blocks and I can’t wait to get back in there to continue my learning!