mediatorinthemaking.com

My old gym has been trying to bring me back. Almost weekly, they email me invitations to take advantage of their ‘fabulous’ offers exclusive to former members.

I get that they’re a business. They want success. As many members as possible, paying as much as possible.

They seem to think I will rejoin simply because they email me an invitation to do so. I see no consideration of the possibility that I have interests here too. They’ve not once asked me why I am no longer a member. So they have no idea how to bring me back - only that it is in their interest to have my dues.

Perhaps had they thoroughly reality tested their chosen options for meeting their obvious interest, they would have learned quite a lot. Here’s a quick sampling of how they compare to my new gym.

1. They offer more classes.
   But those classes are always overcrowded and often the only way to have a spot is to spend 30 minutes waiting in line.
2. They have very similar machines.
   But there is less variety and always a wait. We have to sign machines out and are kicked off by the next customer as soon as our time is up.
3. They offer towels. If you pay extra.
4. They charge twice as much for membership.

What lessons have I learned here that we can apply to mediation and principled negotiation?

• It’s not enough to identify your own interests, and options to meet them.
• To reach an agreement that satisfies you, you might have to consider the other party’s interests as well.
• If you don’t do so, agreement can still be reached. But it might not be your ideal. In this case, I went somewhere new once my membership was up at that old gym.

I am beginning to learn to appreciate the art of the option. Timing, framing, body language.

Parties hear everything we say through their own filters. They are constantly considering their position, their options, their goals, their BATMAs, and their mediators: can they trust us, can they feel comfortable with us, are we truly neutral and will we really help them get what is to them a fair deal?

We hear the parties in a joint session. We hear each party in private sessions. Perhaps next we hold an additional private session with party (a), during which we plan to share with them an option put forth by party (b).

And here enters the art. To hear any additional thoughts or ideas party (a) would like to share, without appearing as though we are just waiting to get in there and share the information we’ve got in our pockets. And to put forth party (b)’s option, with the right introduction, the right tone, without appearing to be partial to any option or either party. What an art!

I think I might have missed opportunities to help parties settle by being too eager to share an option put forth by one party. Without laying the proper framework, especially without giving proper attention to highlighting parties’ commonalities, one party might actually go back on the defensive at hearing the mediator put forth the other party’s option. Just the opposite of what we’re looking for when putting forth an option that can help parties begin to move toward middle ground.

I think I’m going to try and imagine putting forth parties’ options to each other much like planting a seed and coaxing it to grow. It takes patience, delicate care, genuine attention to provide what is needed. The process can’t be forced. But if it’s trusted, something great can happen.