mediatorinthemaking.com

The following is a selective listing of Boston area mediation, conflict resolution and negotiation trainings and events for April and May 2008.

Find additional training listings at Mediation Works, Inc. (basic training or advanced) and the Harvard Program on Negotiation.

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April 9, 2008 2pm to 4pm
ADR Professions Colliding:
Addressing the Tension Between Mediation and Collaborative Practice
from Massachusetts Council on Family Mediation, Inc.
Presenters: Lynda J. Robbins, Esq., and Karen J. Levitt, Esq.

Location: Arnold Room, Wellesley Free Library, 530 Washington Street, Wellesley, MA

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April 13 - 16, 2008
International Ombudsman Association Annual Conference
3rd Annual Conference of IOA: “Making a Difference-The Ombudsman Impact”
The Boston Park Plaza Hotel, Boston, MA

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April 16, 2008 8:30 - 10am
(Continental Breakfast at 8am)
Dispute Resolution Forum
from Harvard Law School and the Program on Negotiation
Speaker: Rikk Larsen, mediator, trainer, conflict coach, Managing Partner at Howell Larsen Associates, founding partner of Elder Decisions

Location: John Chipman Gray Room, 2nd Floor, Pound Hall

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April 17, 2008 2pm - 5:30pm
Assessing and Addressing Power Imbalances:
Abusive Relationships and the Collaborative Process
from Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council
Presenter: Professor Margaret Drew, University of Cincinnati College of Law

Location: The Walker Center, 171 Grove Street, Newton, MA

Attendance is limited, so register early at Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council
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April 28, 2008 9am - 4pm
Managing Conflict in the Workplace
from Cape Mediation
$150.00($125 by 3/28)

Location: Willy’s World Wellness & Conference Center in North Eastham

“Workplace conflict is inevitable … Learn a proven problem-solving model
and practical skills to help deal with conflict between staff, management, and customers.”

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May 2-9, 2008
CDSC Basic Mediation Training
from Community Dispute Settlement Center

Location: CDSC, 60 Gore Street, East Cambridge, MA
Cost: $695 ($650 if registration recvd. by April 3)

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May 21, 2008 11:30am to 2pm
(Social Time 11:30am to 12pm)
Overcoming Impasse – Tools to Empower Parties to Reach Agreements
from Mediation Works, Inc.
Presenters: Chuck Doran and Josh Hoch

Intended Audience: MWI Court and Divorce Panel Members
“Participating in mediation can be difficult for parties. After time, impasse can seem too difficult to overcome. Join Chuck and Josh for some advanced mediation skill training as they share techniques and discuss strategies for empowering parties to be able to overcome impasse, stay focused, and reach agreement.”

I love that the more I learn, the more I realize there is for me to learn. Case in point: having patience with people who don’t have the same training … and defining who I am in conflict.

It seems that the deeper I go into conflict management and resolution, something interesting is happening. Dealing with people either unaware of or unskilled with good approaches to difficult conversations … either it is now more difficult for me to employ good practices with them specifically, or am I now more aware of when I’m not doing so.

My impatience is especially strong in the face of rampant negativity. When attention and care are not given to providing constructive feedback, when complaints are rattled off so that it almost seems like a person is railing against me, when someone beats the same point over and again. I try to employ good active listening, move toward understanding. But I feel attacked. I feel my work is attacked. I want to defend, disagree. I want to bring us to an agreement … an agreement that agrees with me.

Iit seems that my someone else in these situations often can only be satisfied with an apology. Or better yet, a commendation for being so right and pointing out so rightly how wrong I am/it is/we are.

If my someone else seems not even interested in understanding, then what? What if when time is a major factor? Or in person communication is not possible? This is where one of my new favorite books comes into play. Difficult Conversations.

I’ve generally felt utterly stuck when I didn’t know what to do next in a difficult conversation. I’m now feeling like I’ve gotten my hands on some very good keys.

Perhaps people who tend to need to ‘hammer home’ their points over and again do so because they don’t feel heard in the conversation, or generally they don’t feel heard in life. If I know how to hold a constructive inner monologue, I can control my reactions better. I don’t have to take a difficult conversation so personally, or see negativity as attack.

It’s much harder than I expect, every time, to practice in real life authentic curiosity with someone displaying hostility or conveying biting negativity.

It’s more frustrating to watch a conversation go in a less than ideal way, now that I can see how it could go better … without always knowing how to get it there.

It’s all part of the journey for a newbee in this world. I’m loving it!

I recently spoke with someone who was experiencing ongoing conflict with colleagues.

Quite a lot of emailing, memo sending, and such types of communication were described. Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and mounting frustrations had come to define the relationships.

I listened. And then asked one question. “Have you tried speaking with them?”

A pause. And then, maybe with a little bit of wonder, “No, I haven’t tried that.”

No in-person conversations had happened between these folks. No relationship building, understanding seeking, principled negotiating to resolve conflicts before they came to define the relationship.

If you’ve gotten stuck in such relationships, I hope you’ll consider this simple suggestion. Spend more time and energy trying to understand and be understood than identifying how those other people are wrong or bad or not in right relationship with you.

It’s much harder to other that other person when you’re looking right at him or her. It’s much harder to build a relationship with, to have patience and understanding for that other person, if your relationship is all through email and memos: faceless but not voiceless things that can’t look you right in the eye.

We can approach our work from a place of partnership. We can consciously strive to recognize our shared missions. We can focus on the us, the interdependence, that is work. Especially in the standard office.

Now successfully having conversations that get us to this good place, especially with difficult people (or if you are a difficult person … we all can be sometimes), is not as simple as this post. But even trying and not exactly succeeding is better than stewing in stress.

I’m eager to have my next conversation with my frustrated friend and learn how things are going.

We can choose conflict. We can choose to try. We can choose to build partnerships. It’s always up to us.

When we struggle — with ourselves or with others — we tend to name what’s wrong.

Some of us use “you” language. “You aren’t listening to me.” “You’re ignoring me.” “You aren’t helping me.”

Some of us use “I” language. “I feel like I’m not being heard.” “I am being ignored.” “I feel unsupported.”

Either way, we’re naming what’s wrong. What happens once the wrong is righted? Are we then so used to our mantra of what’s wrong that shifting our mental maps to accept and acknowledge what’s right seems foreign, uncomfortable, difficult, even impossible?

I think what often happens is that we can’t move ourselves into this new phase, accept that what’s wrong no longer is, and move on. We’re stuck.

So. What if we named what we wanted, rather than what we didn’t? (No, this is not a rip off of “the secret” which I’m not completely sold on anyway.) If I choose to say, “We’re working on listening to each other well” instead of “He never listens to me,” I’m using the power of language to place me on a path to where I want to be rather than stick me right where I don’t want to be.

I think this could help me relate to people based more on their potential than on their shortcomings. And so help me spend more time and energy on being productive and constructive than stuck in conflict.

Try it! I will.

When people come across as confident, some can assume that there is a secret to that confidence. So, here’s mine. I’m not always all that confident.

The more I learn about conflict management, negotiation, mediation and conflict resolution, the more comfortable I am with conflict managing conflict.

Side effects of this may vary. For me, they include the following. I can advocate for myself. I can recognize a situation’s potential to devolve into conflict, open my toolbox and pull out an opportunity to strengthen relationships, learn from the people around me, and help us all achieve good things.

I think others see this as confidence, or even fearlessness. Strong will. At worst, maybe some who don’t pay close attention name stubbornness or obstinateness.

In reality, it is a level of comfort with conflict and an ability to maintain a stronger focus on resolution than on obstacles.

I’m developing a rhythm of posting upcoming Boston area mediation trainings and events in the middle of every month. I expect each post to focus on the upcoming six weeks.

For recent or more immediately upcoming events, please visit my posts under the Training and Events category.

To list your event in my roundups, please email me.

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March 1 - April 5
(March 1, 4, 11, 18, 25 and April 5, 2008: Saturdays 9-5 and Tuesdays 3-9)
Basic Mediation Training
Sponsored by The Mediation & Training Collaborative (TMTC)

Location: Northampton, MA
Fee: $575 - Registration deadline February l5
For more information, 413-774-7469 x16 or shackney@communityaction.us

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March 3, 10, 17, 24, 31 (Fridays, 9am to 4pm)
Intensive Mediation Workshop: Getting Others to Yes
Management Assistance Program in collaboration with Mediation Works, Inc.
Presenters: Charles P. Doran, Josh Hoch, Moshe Cohen, Diane Levin

“… help others to successfully resolve conflicts … effectively facilitate the mediation process … lectures, demonstrations, interactive exercises, supervised role-plays and group discussions. Previous completion of negotiation skills training is helpful … Participants are required to attend all five sessions.”

Location: JRI Health Center for Training and Professional Development
25 West Street, 3rd Flr, Boston, MA 02111
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Wednesday, March 5, 2008 5:30pm to 8:00pm
A Look at Non Violent Communication
Presenter: Scott Loring

Social time 5:30pm to 6:00pm
Intended Audience: MWI Court and Divorce Panel Members

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg … examines the unmet needs behind what we say or do. The process transforms relationships with others and with one’s self … fosters respect, attentiveness and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart.

Location:
Fee:

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March 5, 2008 9am-4:30pm
Workplace Conflict Resolution Skills Training for Managers and HR Professionals
Presented by Agreement Resources, LLC: employment attorney Leslie Lockard and mediator Crystal Thorpe

Location: Norwood, MA
Fee: $495 by February 8, 2008, or $520 thereafter (includes lunch and materials)
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Thursday, March 6, 2008 9am - 4pm
Advanced Negotiation Skills for Dispute Resolution Professionals
Presenters: Moshe Cohen and Ericka Gray, OptionBridge

“… beyond “Getting to Yes” to a deeper exploration of the psychological factors that enter into negotiation, different styles of negotiation, and how to assist parties in understanding how their own negotiation styles are contributing to impasse.”

Location: TBA
Fee: $195 until 2/14, $220 after

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Thursday, March 6, 2008 2pm to 5:30pm
Assessing and Addressing Power Imbalances: Abusive Relationships and the Collaborative Process
Presented by: Mass Collaborative Law Council, Professor Margaret Drew, University of Cincinnati College of Law

Welcomed particiapnts: lawyers, mental health professionals, mediators, financial specialists and other professionals interested in collaborative practice.

Location: The Walker Center, 171 Grove Street, Newton, Massachusetts
Limited space. Register at www.massclc.org

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March 12, 15, 16, 19, 26, 29, 30, 2008
Forty-Hour Mediation Training Program
Presented by: Mediation Works, Inc.
(weekend & weeknight program) seven sessions / 40-hours total

“… designed to prepare participants to effectively facilitate the mediation process … explores all aspects of the mediation process through lectures, demonstrations, interactive exercises, supervised role-plays and group discussions.”

Location: Suffolk University Law School,120 Tremont Street, Boston, MA
Fee: $775 ($725 if enrolled a month in advance)

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March 28, 29, 31, April 4
Divorce Mediation Training
Presented by: Community Dispute Settlement Center

“This 24 hour course … integrates substantive information with practice through interactive role playing experience. Prerequisite: Basic Mediation Training.”

Location: CDSC Offices, 60 Gore St., East Cambridge (near Lechmere T, Galleria, courthouses)
Fee: $695 ($675 early registration by Mar. 14) See website for additional discounts.

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Ongoing training.

Community Dispute Settlement Center
Mediation Practicum

Mediation Works, Inc.
MWI Mentor Program

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Select future events.

April 13 - 16, 2008
International Ombudsman Association Annual Conference
3rd Annual Conference of IOA: “Making a Difference-The Ombudsman Impact”
The Boston Park Plaza Hotel, Boston, MA

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UPDATE 2/16/08

A couple of events have popped up. March 7-8 Harvard Negotiation Law Review (HNLR) 2008 Symposium: Dispute Systems Design Across Contexts and Continents and March 8-29 36-hr Training in Mediation and Conflict Resolution.

This morning, on the treadmill, my wandering eyes found a very exciting flat panel TV showing in very exciting HD a very exciting courtroom drama. You know the kind, with two people airing their private lives before a judgmental judge (yes, I’m aware of the unfortunate but rather fitting language).

A few minutes later, I look up again to find a divorce courtroom drama and I recall an article I read recently saying something like that working with a mediator can cost 1/4 what it would to go to court. Don’t quote me on that as I’m very possibly misquoting. But it is easy to find literature touting the merits of mediation vs. court for a range of disputes, especially divorce.

As I wondered why anyone would choose to air their private lives before a snappy judge and the daytime TV watching world, I had an idea. Maybe conflict is just too exciting for us to avoid.

Can you imagine what would happen if Divorce Court was replaced with The Mediation Room? Would anyone watch two spouses learning to manage conflict and speak to each other constructively thanks to the leadership and facilitation of a mediator?

I recall being amazed to watch a party at (real live) small claims court mimic so deftly the stereotypical People’s Court plaintiff, complete with totally unrelated personal insults, I could’ve believed it was scripted.

Yes, I realize we could easily debate the actual reality of “reality” court TV shows. But I think it is more important that enough people watch these shows to have kept them on the air for possibly decades. Or keep about seven hours of such shows a day on network TV now. (Yes, seven hours at last check of Comcast listings.)

So how do we minimize the allure of the down and dirty conflict? How do we make constructive communication more exciting than petty insults and flailing unkindnesses?

Perhaps it’s the people who like to watch. The people who don’t come to mediation. Perhaps these people are our true clients.

Well, it’s over. The Colts lost to the Chargers. The Cowboys lost to the Giants. And I - along with most fans - was certain both games would turn out exactly the opposite.

Because I was sure the outcomes of these games had been written in the stars, and apparently I had a special line to those stars, I barely watched these two great games. I glanced up every now and then to see who had just inched past the other.

I didn’t really pay attention until the last five minutes of each game (that’s playclock minutes for you non-footballers out there. sorry, no time to explain.) And what exciting minutes! Two close games, two teams I assumed would win just, well, sort of folding in on themselves.

Where am I going with this? Really, there is a connection. I entered into the situation assuming I already knew the outcome. So I missed out.

If I enter into a conversation, a mediation, etc., assuming I know what will happen — or at least what I think I need to know — I miss out. I will either inadvertently control and lead the conversation. Or I will never get to learn what I could from this unique and knowledgeable person (everyone is themselves and so unique, and everyone is knowledgeable about something I’m not, yes?). Or I will not reach the resolution I could because I’m so busy driving towards my predetermined destination.

And that’s what I learned from the NFL playoffs this weekend.

Oh - also that the Pats are seriously the best team that has ever played the game, to date.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming … my first series, “On Listening.”

I am consistently and profoundly moved by the power of listening.

I used to sense a wave of anxiety come over me when encountering an angry person. Whether or not they were angry with me. Until my most recent chance to get it right.

I listened without communicating judgment. I asked open ended questions truly meant to learn more and convey curiosity, rather than to lead. I did my best to follow my conversation partner wherever he went.

I recall clearly the moment I realized that this angry person, who had inspired such knots of stress, was no longer angry. Anger had receded and in its place was what I might even describe as a sense of comfort. I had guided this person in transforming conflict into an opportunity for something positive to happen.

We spoke for quite a while, and I learned quite a lot that I would not have had I been focused solely on solving the problem as I had identified it. I allowed myself to approach this person’s conflict from a place of patience, respect, and comfortability with my abilities. And I allowed myself to accept not knowing everything, sort of allowing a large space within myself which could be filled with this person’s story — where previously I might have stored up my own assumptions.

I think we humans, perhaps we in the U.S., have severely undervalued the art of listening and the rare experience of being heard. Is it our U.S. culture? Is it human nature? Does it begin within the family?

Whatever it is, the moment when we become conscious of our power to listen is profound.

I occasionally find that a post I’ve started really should be teased out into multiple posts. So, from time to time, I’ll post miniseries on various topics. This first one will be a string on listening.

Recently, two people I supervise landed in a bit of a heated conflict. Each is very dedicated to and personally invested in our work, each is experienced in the pitfalls and rewards of human collaboration. One is in the role of supervisor while both are leaders with extensive leadership experience. Can you see where this is heading?

Both are very busy people who generally opt to communicate by email. Now you see it, yes?

One interpreted the other’s well intentioned email as negative and perhaps even patronizing. A round of email volleyball ensued, escalating with each message served up hot and cold.

You might have witnessed, or even participated in, such exercises. For the two or three people in the world who haven’t, I will enlighten.

Each person reads the other’s words and listens to their own interpretation. There is no opportunity for dialogue in the moment. Each person

stews in their frustration, typing and perhaps retyping their response as the steam builds. There is no eye contact, tone of voice or body language to aide in understanding or fostering empathy. Rather, each is left to decipher the other’s message through their own filters. A misunderstanding, which could quickly be identified and resolved in live communication, turns into a rift threatening the relationship and rather challenging to mend. After all, how often do any of us take the time to write back to someone, “I don’t think I quite understood what you just said. Could you elaborate?” And if we did, what would happen? Email lends itself less to open, meandering conversation and more to immediate, decisive response.

I watched this progress and waited for the proper moment to dive in to the fray. When it came, I stepped away from the keyboard and got on that

antiquated yet still rather useful tool, the te-le-phone.I prepared myself in advance of each call and will discuss my approach to these conversations in my next installment of Musings: On Listening.

For now, I’d like to focus on what I met with on each call: relief. Not at first, mind you. But eventually it was clear that each party felt relieved to actually hear from a real live person, patiently and actively listening to them. They each simply wanted to feel — no, not feel, be — heard and valued.

I hope that each person came out of this experience excited to continue our collaboration. I believe true collaboration means trust, positive assumptions, and an eagerness to make relationships work in order to achieve goals we can’t on our own — or, without that, a stronger focus on the work at hand than on our collaborators’ perceived shortcomings.

At any rate, I know that my stepping in to actively listen to each person preserved our relationships and ensured continued progress in the work we’re all invested in. And I know that I used just about every tool I had in my mediator’s tool box to acheive that result.

And now for the obligatory cliches, or lessons learned. I dusted these beauties off and found new life in them during this experience …

Most people are doing the best they can most of the time.
-I first heard this one from my 10th grade biology teacher. I have no idea to whom to credit it.

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
-Habit 5 of the Seven Habits of Highlyg Effective People, Stephen Covey

Come back soon for more installments of my first Musings miniseries!